In high school I was in a play called Curious Savage, which explored the challenges faced by a group of people living in a sanatorium. One of the female characters is not adept at expressing herself, but manages to show that she cares about her friend by telling her, as she’s about to leave: “Take an umbrella, it’s raining.” On the surface, she was merely reminding her friend to bring an umbrella, but in her own way she was saying, “I love you.”

When we’re young boys and girls we enjoy teasing to show we like each other. In my case, my first boyfriend in Junior High liked to chase me around the playground and upon capture, pull my long red hair. (I must give him a ‘shout out’ and say we’ve remained good friends to this day!) This type of formative flirty frolic is a precursor to prepare us for our more ‘mature’ mating rituals as adults.

Figuring out these rituals post-divorce has been a most interesting journey for me—hence the birth of my book! While there has still been some chasing and hair pulling (ya gotta read the book!), I’ve discovered that learning how we show that we care and how we need to feel cared for is a necessity.

The end of my marriage was the beginning of my self-awakening. Sometimes we don’t know what is most important to us until we are living without it, until we feel 
that void. Even though I had dated quite a bit before I got married, in retrospect, I wasn’t aware of how I needed to feel loved…until I realized that my ‘feeing loved’ tank was constantly running on empty.

Feeling love for ourselves, knowing our value and our self- worth is first and foremost.  Having the tools to be able to put ourselves first, feel happy, content, and self-fulfilled before even looking for a partner is a must. But we also want to love and to be loved by another.

Do you know what makes you feel loved? Is it by hearing the words, or receiving gifts? By having quality time with that special person, or by what your partner will do for you? If your partner tells you to drive safely because the streets are a little slippery, would you take offence assuming they don’t think you drive safely, or realize perhaps it’s their way of showing they care? I read the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, which helps the reader think about how they need to receive love, and how they tend to show it. I so wish I had this awareness before I got married because once one has it, it can then be communicated early on. If your partner is unable or unwilling to demonstrate love in the way you need, it is better to find out before making a life-long commitment!

We all know how complicated relationships can be. I think we tend to muck (keeping it PG) them up unnecessarily with our fears, laziness, or inability to make the effort required. I’ve come up with 5 steps that I believe will increase the chances of bringing to us the type of people we need in our lives:

1- Self Awareness: Know how you need to feel loved and how you want your life to look.

2- Communicate & Listen: Convey this information and listen to the response, it will be telling. Then do the same for your partner.

3- Provide it!: Do what your partner or friend needs if you want to maintain the relationship!

4- Be compassionate and understanding: Realize everyone receives and perceives differently.

5- Don’t rationalize: If people can’t or won’t provide what you need, move on!

Five very simple, but not always easy steps to follow. However, if you want to experience mutually fulfilling relationships give it a try!

And… don’t forget your umbrella if it’s raining.