This week I am most excited to share that I have been asked to be a contributing expert for www.hopeafterdivorce.org! (Be sure to check out this fabulous site.).  I was also asked to write for www.lafamily.com and www.cupidspulse.com!

Please take a look at my articles for LA Family and Cupids Pulse below! If you would, please ‘Like’ them to Facebook, on this site (or Tweet etc.), and then click on the website below each article and do the same there!

Thank you so much for continuing to support my passion for strengthening relationships using as much humor and compassion as possible!

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards with daughter Lola. Photo: metrolic.com

Must We Remain Friends With Our Ex-Husband?

The Universe can have a very ironic sense of humor. I recently had an altercation via e-mail with my ex-husband (about money, of course), and all of my old buttons were not only pushed, but they got stuck in “I’m hurt, I’m not respected, I’m not appreciated, I’m pissed, and I hate you!” mode. For two days, I stewed and chewed on the not-so-pretty file in my memory drive, as I was reminded of the many reasons why we got divorced. Several days later, funny enough, I find myself with the opportunity to write about maintaining a friendship with one’s ex-husband.

In recent news, Denise Richards (perhaps we should call her Mother Denise?) has raised the bar for all ex-wives: she offered to have temporary custody of her ex-husband’s (Charlie Sheen) kids from his last marriage to Brooke Mueller (his third ex-wife), who is in rehab for the twentieth time. This arrangement has been approved by L.A. County Juvenile Court.

 Clearly, Richards has put the needs of these children before anything else. They are, after all, half-siblings to her children with Sheen. She is providing them with a more stable environment than either of their parents can provide.  I’m guessing she would open her heart and home to them even if she and Sheen weren’t getting along. So, while it’s great that they are able to co-exist or even co-parent, whether everything remains copasetic or not, the priority is the well-being of the children.

Is it possible to remain friends with your ex-husband? This depends on the reasons for the split and the level of hostility.  There are also other things to consider:

– If you don’t have kids, and you think friendship is possible, first give yourself some time to move on and adjust to who you are as a single person.

– There is a difference between being buds and maintaining a good relationship. If there are children involved, you will always be connected to your ex, so it’s best to at least get along. Kids hate when there is tension between Mom and Dad.

– If regular communication would bring up old hurts, then keep it peaceful and keep interaction to a minimum.

– If you can’t be friendly, try not to bash your ex to your children, no matter their age. I made the mistake of saying my ex was a short name for Richard. Not my best mommy moment.

Yes, the Universe works in mysterious ways. Many years ago, when I was beginning my acting career in Los Angeles, I was an extra in a movie starring Martin Sheen. He played a man with a wife (Blythe Danner) and kids, who discovers he fathered a child from an affair. The mother of this child dies, so his wife, understanding of the circumstances, suggests they take the child into their home.

Six degrees of Charlie Sheen. We come full circle. Thank you, Universe, for the laugh and the lesson!

Check out my article on Cupid’s Pulse here! 

4 Things That Will Pronounce a

Relationship D.E.A.D.

I want to know why we’re not required to take classes in relationships! We must learn the periodic table, the algebraic steps to figure out what ‘x’ equals, and dissect a frog; we can learn woodshop, pottery, automotive technology or electronic technology. But learning and understanding the differences between men and women, and the skills and nuances involved in dealing with relationships are not taught. Why?

I hereby declare that it should be mandatory for high school upper classmen and college students to take classes in the art of relationships. I will go further to state that adults should take ‘continuing education’ courses on relationships as a form of maintenance. Real Estate agents, attorneys, and doctors already ‘married’ to their career are required to continue learning to remain successful. According to most people, relationships are the most important aspect of our lives, yet we don’t give them the same effort and attention as we do our careers, or even our cars or pets. Why?

While courses on relationships may not be found under the category of business, it is serious business. According to several sources, the divorce rate in America for first marriages ranges from 41-50%, second marriages 60-67% and third marriages about 73%. It doesn’t take a math wiz to see that we are failing miserably.

There are many and various reasons why relationships end. Wrong partner choices aside (another topic entirely), below are four of the major killers:

Disrespect

Expectations

A Lack of Communication

Downright Neglect

Disrespect. There are many ways we show disrespect to our partners without even realizing it. How often have you rolled your eyes in disgust, disregarded their opinion, or dismissed their feelings. They’ve literally been dissed!

Antidote: Stop, in the name of love! Constantly be aware of your actions and vow to yourself that you will stop hurting your partner by dishonoring them.

Expectations. Beware of expectations. They will consistently disappoint and frustrate. While they generally have a negative connotation, and are usually preceded by the words unrealistic or unfair, we all have them.

Antidote: Expectations should be clearly defined and understood. There is a term in business called, Operational Definition, which means to define something specifically with no ambiguity.  Doing this allows a person to know exactly what you need and gives them the opportunity to decide whether or not it is something they can provide. For instance, if you’re dating someone who says they need to hear from you more– what does that specifically look like? Does that mean they need three calls and texts a day; or a text in the morning to say you’re thinking of them, and a call at the end of the day to say goodnight? If you’re married, how often do you need sex? Or to hear ‘You look beautiful!’ Be as specific as possible when stating what you need and then deal making/negotiating becomes an option, as does opting out.

A Lack of Communication. No one is a mind reader yet we don’t communicate what we need, or share what is bothering us, because we’re afraid.

Antidote: Ironically, it is our fear that will ultimately cause the demise. When our unmet needs and problems are left to simmer, they create a toxic environment wherein nothing can survive. If stating what you need will catapult your partner to the exit door, then let them go, they’re doing you a favor. Don’t settle! (It is important to note that how and when you communicate is of crucial importance.).

Downright Neglect. It is so easy to get caught up in our busy lives taking those closest to us for granted, ultimately neglecting them.

Antidote: Pay attention. Both men and women have triggers for neglect. For women, what drives infidelity is when they feel their partner doesn’t pay attention to them, or is not interested in them. Men need to have enough sex with their partner to feel connected, and both need to feel appreciated. We all deserve to feel connected, and appreciated.

While being aware of these four usual suspects (all of which apply to all kinds of relationships) may not guarantee an ‘A’ in life’s continuing class of relationships, doing the homework to the best of our abilities will give a relationship a better chance of surviving, and make it a lot more fun and satisfying!

See this article on LA Family here!

Gluttony:
over-indulgence and over-consumption of food, drink, intoxicants or wealth items to the point of waste.

According to this definition in the dictionary, we’re all probably guilty of some form of gluttony…quite possibly for all of the above. At any given time you can probably look around a restaurant and see many supersized plates of food, libations of numerous varietals, and heads buried in smart phones. We are glutted with goods!

High technology has certainly saturated our lives, quite possibly even more than trans fats ever did! The question is how hazardous is it to our lives and to our relationships?

One day while patronizing a restaurant, I witnessed a chorus of chimes ringing out in unison, causing everyone to frantically find their phones. We are like a pack of Pavlov’s dogs…when our phones ring we salivate. Must we be on call (literally) all the time?

Honestly, I’m surprised there hasn’t been a 12- step program developed entitled, TAA: Technology Addicts Anonymous.

Too much of anything is not good, even fruits and vegetables…right? While our lives have benefited in many ways from technology, I sometimes wonder if these electronic devices are now remote controlling us instead of the other way around.

We are so used to instant everything — instant news, sports stats, directions, phone numbers and games all literally at our fingertips. Very handy, except when it ties our hands. So many toys, so little time. Do we need them all? Androids, Blackberrys, Kindles, Nooks, iMacs, iPads, iPhones… iDon’tknow!

Have we reached a technological tipping point?

How about we consider a trip back to the basics, instead of to the future?! Somehow that sounds so refreshing and appealing: family dinners without cell phones, playing a board game or cards on the floor, not on the computer. Sitting around telling jokes with friends instead of merely sending them as a ‘fwd.’ in an email. Visiting with friends in person or on the phone to catch up, instead of creeping on Facebook.

There’s something to be said for what I call, ‘the black and white days.’ Things certainly weren’t perfect back in the ‘old’ days, but when you heard the word ‘instant’ you’d think coffee, not information technology. This instant connection we now have with the entire world I fear may be causing a bit of a disconnection with what is truly important in our lives…the people who matter most.

Looking down into our phone can cause accidents. Staring at the computer or the TV causes us to miss our kids dancing to a song, our lover trying to communicate with us, or our parent telling us a treasured memory.

Our lives will continue to fly by at 1.2 gigawatts unless we choose to unplug and go back to the basics from time to time. Unwind, rewind, refocus and it all becomes pretty clear. I’d say it’s pretty black and white.

“You look so fat!,” “That was so stupid,” “You’re a moron,” “You look like shit!,” “What an idiot!,” “You look so tired and old,” and “You should have known better, you shouldn’t have said that!”

Would you ever talk to a good friend like this? I dare say you would not.

So, I beg to ask the question: Why do we talk to ourselves this way?

 A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. —Mahatma Gandhi

I would venture to guess that most of the time we’re not aware of our ongoing inner monologue. I would also bet that we aren’t always aware of what we’re hearing outside of our head either. For example, have you ever found yourself humming a song that you didn’t even realize had been playing in a store?

Whether we realize it or not, many of us have our own radio station playing within our heads 24/7. This particular station has a very strong frequency, and generally plays a lot of crap that messes with our mind. I call it KFUK radio. It plays and re-plays negative messages and thoughts that ultimately sabotage our efforts to succeed at anything.

You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.—James Allen

Just like the song playing in the store that we subconsciously hear, these repeating self-defeating messages seep into our psyche whittling away at our self-confidence, self-appreciation, and self-esteem. This ultimately takes a toll on our self-worth and makes self-love more challenging.

The power of thought has been written and philosophized about for years. Once again, awareness is key. Pay attention. If KFUK radio is playing the ‘you’re a fat unsuccessful loser’ song, or the ‘ you should have or you shouldn’t have’ song, turn it off!

“It is not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.”’—Author Unknown

Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of rational emotive behavior therapy coined the term “shoulding,” emphasizing how destructive ‘shoulds’ can be. He advised to avoid “shoulding” on ourselves as often as possible.

I’d like to propose a change to the golden rule. How about, “Do unto yourself as you would do unto others!”

So much of what we read (and write) about is in regard to our relationships with others and how to make these relationships thrive and be successful. For others, we will go to great lengths to be polite, considerate, tolerant and patient. For others, we want to be the best father, mother, sister, brother, daughter, friend and partner. If you stop and think for a minute, this is actually putting the cart before the horse.

The most important relationship for us to nurture is the one with ourself. In order to be a good anything to anyone, we must first get to a place where we are comfortable with who we are. If we don’t love ourselves, how can we love others?!

The instruction we receive on an airplane is a great analogy to life. You must give yourself the oxygen first! If you don’t take care of yourself first, you simply cannot be there for others. So many of us work hard to provide for our families, never taking the time to do something for ourselves that would bring us enjoyment. There is a little girl or boy inside each one of us ‘grown ups’ that needs to be taken care of and nurtured. Give that inner child a hug and let them come out to play!

Try treating yourself as you would your best friend. Allow yourself the benefit of your kindness, love, patience and generosity. You deserve it!

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” —Lucille Ball

I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired, or because I text too much, but right now every thought that crosses my mind is abbreviated. There has to be something seriously wrong when you can put together a complete thought with a string of abbrevs!

I’m sitting at work, knowing I have a greater purpose in life thinking FML, WTF. Then, someone approaches to ask me a question interrupting my pity party, and my inside head voice is saying, BTW, FYI, DGAF! The question asked is utterly ridiculous to anyone with common sense, thus the voice in my head continues screaming, OMG! GTFO!

Today this voice has taken control of not only my overall positive outlook, but also my usual eloquent train of thought, (she says with a pinch of sarcasm). To discover why, I follow my trail of thought, and it leads me to the time of the month. No, not as it relates to my ovaries, for I believe they have retired (TMI?). More to the fact that Mother’s Day is approaching (well, I suppose that indirectly relates to my ovaries), and I can see it becoming bittersweet.

Hallmark holidays can make us feel warm and fuzzy like their commercials, or they can leave us with a mixed bag of emotions (or candy if needed), unfulfilled expectations, and possibly sadness.

Mother’s Day is no exception. It’s a day to buy cards, gifts, go out to brunch, and most importantly to remember our mothers. For some, this is not always easy due to strained relationships or because their mothers are no longer with us.

I am very blessed as a daughter. I am able to celebrate with my spunky, talented, wonderful mom, whom I greatly admire, appreciate and love very much. I’ve also been blessed to have the love of another mother figure for over thirty years, who is now recuperating from a recent stroke. This has thrown in an unwelcomed dose of reality, and reinforced the notion of letting people know how much we love them when we can—holiday or no holiday.

Reflecting as Nancy the mother, I feel so abundantly grateful, and think my kids should get the presents on Mother’s Day, as they are my gift and source of pure joy and love. They have been my life’s purpose.

Therein lies the rub.

As our children get older, they don’t need us in the same way and our roles as mothers continually change. Therefore, I think it’s important to check in with our children and discuss how they think we can best be their mom as they become adults. This will ideally lessen the sting of not feeling needed as mothers, while providing our children what they actually need.

Dancing on the ever-shifting floor of life requires a lot of fancy footwork. Sometimes we trip, sometimes we’re a dancing star, but as long as we’re dancing with those we love, that is what’s important.

Please check out the YouTube link below to hear a song my mom wrote in 1954. “Thinking of My Mom” brings tears to my eyes, and is still relevant today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9bF5pZ2-kc

TTFN, and if there’s a mom in your life, go buy that Mother’s Day card ASAP!

Does art imitate life, or does life imitate art? I remember John Houseman articulately and quite professorially posing this question to a roomful of law students at the beginning of The Paper Chase. Since the 70s when this show was popular, television as an ‘art’ form has certainly changed.

The advent of ‘reality’ TV has not only changed the meaning of art, but of reality. While I must admit I have been sucked into watching a couple of these shows, the reality is, they are the least realistic of our television viewing options. Seriously. There’s not too much that is real about the housewives of Orange County. And don’t we all find the love of our life in six weeks, while vacationing in some exotic location competing with a plethora of scantily dressed spray-tanned beauties, in front of cameras and millions of people?

Other than my guilty pleasure of tuning in to visit my friends who work at General Hospital (where evil twins, amnesia, and returning from the dead ring truer than the Kardashian dumbbell), I haven’t watched much TV since Private Practice went off the air. That was until my daughter insisted I join her in watching the first season of Parenthood, now in its fifth season.  So, the past few nights have been a time of pure joy for this parent as we have had a Netflix marathon of cuddling, crying and laughing watching this show about a family; the love, dysfunction, frustrations and expectations that exist amongst its members.

You observe the camaraderie of a brother and a sister, as well as their frustrations with each other. You see the irritations and love that exist between spouses, and kids with their parents. At the end of the day they manage to take time to play ball together and enjoy family dinners with all the sibs, kids and grandparents. In short, they make time for quality time together—something I see missing in real life.

As much as I’m enjoying the wit and authenticity of the characters, it has caused me to contemplate a sense of loss. While my brain occasionally runs a reality check yelling at me saying, “Nancy, it’s a TV show, not real life!” I yell back, “I know, but …”

But why aren’t people taking the time in real life to nurture important relationships?

What happened to making time to talk with the people we care about most?

What happened to the art of sharing dinner, coffee, or even a phone conversation without being interrupted by a more important text, call or e-mail?

What happened to the concept of calling someone back?

When did maintaining our closest relationships become a lost art in life?

We’ve allowed ourselves to become so damn busy that we don’t make time for the people we love. The reality is that we’ve lost the art of connecting. A harsher reality yet, would be if the importance of connecting were no longer a priority.

Studies show that those who stay connected are healthier; so if nurturing important relationships is important to you, pick up the phone and let people know you’re thinking about them!

Pay attention people. We have become slaves to our electronic devices, and our hectic schedules. The fast-forward button is stuck in the down position and life is flying by while our noses are stuck to the grindstone.  What’s going to happen when we pick up our nose and open our eyes to see that we’ve all aged twenty years and realize it’s too late to make up the time we’ve lost?