I have never liked roller coasters. If I had my choice (and yes, I’m admitting this out loud), I would choose Disneyland’s “It’s a Small World” over “Space Mountain.” I much prefer smooth sailing to the nauseating drops that lift your stomach and potentially its contents up and out of your mouth. These drops, however, that plunge into the depths of the land of Disney are no match for the depths of despair one can feel when going through a divorce.

So why would I sign on the dotted line for the roller coaster ride of divorce, when I would never willingly get in line for an E-ticket ride? (For younger peeps that does not mean electronic ride.). But, I did, and there I was, face to face with the realization that I was to be a statistic.

Hi, I’m Nancy, and I’m divorced. This wasn’t the type of personal branding I had envisioned. I truly wanted to grow old and have a big 50^th wedding anniversary holding hands with the same person I knew in my twenties. The screenplay of my life was not following the script I had written in my mind.

Yogi Berra said, “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.” When asked what he would want written on his tombstone when he dies, he said simply, “It’s Over.”

So how do we know when to write, “It’s Over” on the tombstone of a relationship? For me, it was when we were sitting in our (third) therapist’s office after 19 years of marriage and my husband said he didn’t love me enough to try and make the changes necessary. Ouch. The tombstone had hit me over the head.

Blackout. End of final scene Act 1. End of marriage.

After all went black, I was able to see the light. We can love someone, but not be willing or able to do what’s necessary to make things work. It hurts. It’s frustrating. It’s a fact.

I propose that we look at marriage like we should look at healthcare: taking a preventative approach, as opposed to waiting until something is wrong!

For starters, (while there are no guarantees) consider the following:

1. Know yourself really well, and know what you need and want from a partner, including how you need to be shown love, before becoming involved in a relationship.
2. Communicate the above in the very beginning so if they won’t or can’t provide those things, you don’t find out 19 years later.
3. Have clear boundary lines and respect your partner’s as well.
4. Discover how your partner needs to be shown love, and show them!
5. Show love, appreciation and respect for one another!

If it is already too late for preventative care, and you’re considering pulling the plug, ask yourself this:

1. Can you live with things the way they are?
2. What is your role in the issues, and are you willing/able to do what’s necessary to keep the relationship alive?
3. Are they willing and/or able to take responsibility for their part and make the necessary changes?

If for whatever reason things aren’t going to change, then it seems there are two options: either you accept things as they are and live with them, or you don’t and you move on.

Life is a combination of Adventureland, Fantasyland and Tomorrowland. We experience many adventures, some fantasies, and tomorrow is always a mystery. The ups and downs and unknown turns can be both scary and exciting, and when a marriage needs to end, it’s normal to be afraid of where the ride will take us. But, as in Disneyland, we need to trust that if we hop on, buckle up, and keep our hands inside the vehicle, everyone will land safely.

It’s amazing how comments made to us when we’re young, particularly from our mothers or friends, can haunt us throughout the years and greatly affect how we lead our adult lives and relationships—especially when they’re about our appearance.

“These subtle and not so subtle remarks that infiltrate our psyche in our formative years begin nesting benignly in our brain until more comments are spewed as we get older. These then, attach themselves happily to the old ones multiplying rapidly as toxic waste does, to create a monster. This monster by the time we are, oh, say a very self-conscious hormonal teenager has now grown roots in our head and has taken up permanent residence. It has a life of its own, thriving on f-ing with our minds and our lives. It relishes the opportunity to reaffirm what we already know to be true; we have fat thighs, chubby arms, huge hips, saggy breasts, flabby stomach and a big butt, while at the same time reminding us that we must finish our meal. This monster rears its ugly head when we are reading a menu deciding what to order, in the dressing room trying on clothes, having sex with our lover, or when we are poolside and won’t go in the water because that would require removing our cover-up.

Yes, it is true that we have control over how we react to what is said to us, whether it’s the regurgitating monster in our head, a relative or spouse. We can ‘opt out’ of allowing things to bother us, however there are certain sore subjects that penetrate even the most Zen of armors.” (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?!–The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

I share some of Chapter 37 from my book because it is officially summer and I can no longer wear long sleeves to cover my drooping triceps, which I affectionately call the “Hadassah Hang.” It’ll be too hot to wear pants to cover my white legs, and there will be pool parties. This is creating anxiety. I also share part of this chapter because the other day two attractive skinny women walked by in shorts and a man shared with the world that they should not be wearing shorts until they tone things up. (Clearly this blurted out of his mouth without first traveling through the editing room in his brain.).

Bzzzzz, bzzzzz went the alarm in my head waking the monster that lies not too far beneath. The monster that says things like, “Don’t even think about wearing a bathing suit in public!” or, “Shorts? A thing of your past lady!” And when its eyes turn green, it expels envious venom toward all women able to wear what I don’t dare.

Statistically I am considered a ‘mature’ woman, but his comment was fodder to the monster in my head resurrecting every immature, insecure feeling waiting on deck, calling up to bat my self-conscious teenage self, who’s all too aware of her finest assets.

In today’s society, women (and men as well), are held to an unrealistically high standard thanks in great part to the media. Air-brushed pictures of plump breasts, sculpted thighs and abs are everywhere we turn. Living in Orange County, California where Botox abounds and where you’ll find more plastic than in Toys R Us, it is very apparent that the fight against looking our age is in full swing.

Does this battle to defy aging affect our intimate relationships? It will if the monster wins! Try these monster-fighting tools:

Learn to embrace your imperfections so your partner can enjoy them with you.

Don’t compare yourself to others.

Find a partner who loves your body the way it is now, or at any weight.

Eat well, and get moving!

Cut yourself some slack!

“Life is constantly throwing challenges at us and each time we are faced with them, it is an opportunity to strengthen and flex our survival muscles. Each time we accept a challenge instead of avoiding it, we get stronger, more self-aware, and more confident to deal with any situation. As we continue to get stronger the monster in our head loses power. While it may never completely go away, shrinking it to a manageable size is most definitely a victory of monstrous proportions!” (Excerpt YWMTW)

(Don’t forget to check out my Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/NancyTellsAll and follow me on Twitter @NancyTellsAll)

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

While I usually post at the end of every week, I will occasionally do so at other times when I am moved to do so or for special announcements. Today is a supersized combo of the two! First, I want to welcome all my new subscribers to Nancy Tells All, and thank my existing friends for continuing to support my passion! Like Southwest Airlines says, I know there are many choices out there, and all kidding aside I am truly grateful that you have chosen to follow my blog! If you’d like to get an idea of what NancyTells All is all about, (aside from reading everything I’ve ever written in your free time!) you can check out my first posting here.

I also want to support other sites that I am honored to be contributing to as well, so please check them out! Huffingtonpost.com, hopeafterdivorce.org, purposefairy.com, suddenlysolo.org, lafamily.com, and cupidspulse.com.

Below is my most recent article that appeared on purposefairy.com. I hope it resonates with you in some way, and that you’ll ‘Like,’ ‘Tweet,’ and ‘Share!’ Have a great few days and I’ll see you at the end of the week!

With Gratitude,

Nancy

 The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. What is grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion.  ~Lao Tzu

Are you carrying emotional baggage from one relationship to another? Just like schlepping an overstuffed Samsonite, it will cost you, make your journey more difficult, and could prevent you from making a successful connection!

Relationships are a bit of a dance, and in order to remain light on our feet, we need to shed the dead weight of the issues that continue to plague us. The tango is a dance in which two people either move together in the same direction or in opposition to each other. Perhaps this is why the phrase ‘it takes two to tango’ is so often used when referring to relationships.

While it does take two to make or break a relationship, we need to hold ourselves accountable for our responsibility as it relates to its success, or its collapse. As we all know, to keep a long-term relationship moving forward takes much effort. If it ends, and we don’t look deeply into our actions or inactions that played a role in the demise, then we are simply setting ourselves up for another relationship with an expiration date.

Be honest with yourself.

Do you have trouble communicating?

If so, then ask yourself: Is it easier to get divorced than it is to make the effort to listen to her, to show her attention so she feels you ‘get’ her and that she is a priority?

Are you emotionally unavailable?

If so, then ask yourself: Would you rather be alone than experience an emotionally strong connection because it’s built on vulnerability?

Are you a workaholic?

If so, then ask yourself: Would you rather end the relationship than work a little less so you have enough energy to provide him with the intimacy he requires to feel connected?

Do you make excuses (you call them reasons) for not being where you want to be in your life?

If so, then ask yourself: Would you rather stay single than step up and do what it takes to improve your lifestyle?

I’ve heard people say, “I’d have to change who I am, and I’m not willing to do that.”

I ask, is changing your behavior the same as changing who you are? Is making an effort to show you care, changing your personality? Granted, if you enjoy working on cars, you won’t be happy in a three-piece suit… but that’s not the same as being willing to learn the tools that will help you change and grow. These tools could very well prevent you from going to the pit for a tire change every few laps around the track!

We will keep getting the same results if we keep doing the same things! (Yes, also known as insanity). Hard as we try to ignore them, the lessons we are supposed to learn in this life will continue to boomerang right back in our face until we come face to face with them. This applies to many areas of our lives including our work, weight, familial or intimate relationships.

Our issues will follow us from relationship to relationship and will not go away until you tackle them head on!

Some possible demons to consider:

Limiting beliefs

Fear of vulnerability

Procrastination

Lack of Self Esteem

Lack of Awareness

You can blame your parents, your metabolism, your partner, your age, or the economy. You can blame your boss, or your dog who ate your homework for what’s not right in your life. Or you can figure out your role in how and why your story keeps playing out the way it does. You can re-write your script, dump the baggage, and be the hero in your story. It’s the only way to fly!

There’s a luggage limit to every passenger on a flight. The same rules apply to your life. You must eliminate some baggage before you can fly. ~Rosalind Johnson

Hello All!

I am posting early this week for a special reason. I was asked to write an article for SuddenlySolo.org. It is a definitive site for the mature widowed or divorced man. It provides a positive sense of renewal, as well as offers valuable advice on how to move forward into this next exciting chapter of their lives. And, they have recently been a special guest on the Today Show! I am honored to be included on their site as they help men successfully navigate their new single landscape.

Please go to the link below, and share it with others on FB, Email, Twitter and word of mouth! Please also share your thoughts by submitting a comment at the bottom of the article!

 Click Here to see “Holy Shift! Mature Dating From a Woman’s POV!

 With much appreciation for your support,

 Nancy

This week I have chosen to post Chapter 14 of my book, as it seems to be a recurring topic wherever I go…

The ‘C’ word!  I grew up learning that the ‘c’ word was a four- letter word never to be uttered. You know, the one that rhymes with punt. As an adult I have discovered that there is a 13 letter ‘c’ word, which for many men and women is the equivalent.

Communication!

I gave communication its own chapter not just so I could use the enticing chapter title but because I found this to be an issue in my marriage, and I’ve seen it as a common obstacle in dating.

Why do so many of us find communicating difficult and uncomfortable?! I can’t imagine how many relationships would be saved if more people learned how to communicate with each other.

I found a very interesting definition of communication as it relates to biology:

a) The activity by one organism that changes or has the potential to change the behavior of other organisms.

Though this was not the first definition given for communication, I thought it to be much more accurate than merely saying: the act or process of communicating, which was the first.

An activity by one that can change the behavior of another. Some might interpret this negatively, as in trying to change a person. But what if it meant a positive, supportive action by one that would ultimately cause a positive change in another? For example: a woman feels that her partner doesn’t ever help her. Instead of rolling her eyes, being passive aggressive or yelling some sarcastic quip like “Would you like to help me for a change?!” what if she lovingly expressed what she needed? What if she let her partner know what it would mean to her if they did whatever it was she needed, and then showed them appreciation when they did?! This is a perfect example of an activity by one that can change the behavior of another.

The mere act of showing each other appreciation will change behaviors. If we don’t communicate what we need, or show how we feel, how will the other person ever understand or know us? It takes two to tango, and one person cannot do the marriage/relationship tango alone. Ignore issues and they will just go away, right? Not!

I think many of us feel if we communicate a problem, it could cause a relationship to end. However, the opposite is true. If we don’t face the issues, the dis-ease will grow. The way I see it, if it’s going to end by discussing things, better to happen sooner than later. The upside is working things out and creating more intimacy.

Intimacy doesn’t just mean physical closeness. It means sharing our innermost feelings, desires, fears, hopes and dreams. It completely opens us up to hurt and rejection and makes us vulnerable, which makes many people afraid and uncomfortable. However, it is when we’re vulnerable that everything good and beautiful happens between two people.

I think both men and women know what it takes to make a relationship work. It is executing it that’s the tough part. Just as we all know intellectually what it takes to lose weight– calories burned off must be more than calories put in. Not always so simple. We also intellectually know what it takes to make a relationship work: communication, showing appreciation and love, intimacy, vulnerability, caring, sharing, giving, respect, humor, tolerance, compromising and patience, to name a few; also, not always so simple.

This is simple: the more love you give, the more you get back. The more you communicate appreciation, needs, and gratitude, the more you’ll receive in return.

ron@compugds.com