It’s amazing how comments made to us when we’re young, particularly from our mothers or friends, can haunt us throughout the years and greatly affect how we lead our adult lives and relationships—especially when they’re about our appearance.

“These subtle and not so subtle remarks that infiltrate our psyche in our formative years begin nesting benignly in our brain until more comments are spewed as we get older. These then, attach themselves happily to the old ones multiplying rapidly as toxic waste does, to create a monster. This monster by the time we are, oh, say a very self-conscious hormonal teenager has now grown roots in our head and has taken up permanent residence. It has a life of its own, thriving on f-ing with our minds and our lives. It relishes the opportunity to reaffirm what we already know to be true; we have fat thighs, chubby arms, huge hips, saggy breasts, flabby stomach and a big butt, while at the same time reminding us that we must finish our meal. This monster rears its ugly head when we are reading a menu deciding what to order, in the dressing room trying on clothes, having sex with our lover, or when we are poolside and won’t go in the water because that would require removing our cover-up.

Yes, it is true that we have control over how we react to what is said to us, whether it’s the regurgitating monster in our head, a relative or spouse. We can ‘opt out’ of allowing things to bother us, however there are certain sore subjects that penetrate even the most Zen of armors.” (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?!–The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

I share some of Chapter 37 from my book because it is officially summer and I can no longer wear long sleeves to cover my drooping triceps, which I affectionately call the “Hadassah Hang.” It’ll be too hot to wear pants to cover my white legs, and there will be pool parties. This is creating anxiety. I also share part of this chapter because the other day two attractive skinny women walked by in shorts and a man shared with the world that they should not be wearing shorts until they tone things up. (Clearly this blurted out of his mouth without first traveling through the editing room in his brain.).

Bzzzzz, bzzzzz went the alarm in my head waking the monster that lies not too far beneath. The monster that says things like, “Don’t even think about wearing a bathing suit in public!” or, “Shorts? A thing of your past lady!” And when its eyes turn green, it expels envious venom toward all women able to wear what I don’t dare.

Statistically I am considered a ‘mature’ woman, but his comment was fodder to the monster in my head resurrecting every immature, insecure feeling waiting on deck, calling up to bat my self-conscious teenage self, who’s all too aware of her finest assets.

In today’s society, women (and men as well), are held to an unrealistically high standard thanks in great part to the media. Air-brushed pictures of plump breasts, sculpted thighs and abs are everywhere we turn. Living in Orange County, California where Botox abounds and where you’ll find more plastic than in Toys R Us, it is very apparent that the fight against looking our age is in full swing.

Does this battle to defy aging affect our intimate relationships? It will if the monster wins! Try these monster-fighting tools:

Learn to embrace your imperfections so your partner can enjoy them with you.

Don’t compare yourself to others.

Find a partner who loves your body the way it is now, or at any weight.

Eat well, and get moving!

Cut yourself some slack!

“Life is constantly throwing challenges at us and each time we are faced with them, it is an opportunity to strengthen and flex our survival muscles. Each time we accept a challenge instead of avoiding it, we get stronger, more self-aware, and more confident to deal with any situation. As we continue to get stronger the monster in our head loses power. While it may never completely go away, shrinking it to a manageable size is most definitely a victory of monstrous proportions!” (Excerpt YWMTW)

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