I was talking to “Dan,” a male friend (yes, contrary to iconic Harry who met Sally, I know that a man and a woman can just be friends), and he told me that a woman he went out with on a first date told him that she was needy. She told him that she likes getting tons of text messages a day with hearts, flowers and kissing emoji’s. She likes at least a few phone calls a day, and to get together at least a few times a week. He asked me what I thought about her self-declaration of neediness.

Before I could answer, he continued telling me that he was very attracted to her and had been quite bold in expressing this to her both verbally and physically. He asked me if I thought that was wrong, wondering if that had ever happened to me on a first date and if it bothered me. And then he stopped talking.

I allowed for some moments of silence figuring there was still a little more charge left in his battery, and he said, “Well, what do you think?”

The reality here of course, was that it didn’t matter what I thought, but I did share with him a couple of my experiences to help answer his question.

“Perry.” Not long after I began dating Perry, I discovered that he enjoyed texting. Texting is great in many ways.  It can be a great way to let someone know you’re thinking about them and it can be kind of an electronic way of whispering sweet nothings to someone. But, it can also add fuel to the fire of expectations. “Perry” needed and expected many texts a day to feel connected to me. Evidently, I was not adding enough fuel (or texts) to keep the fire burning hot enough. Nor was I able to talk on the phone enough, or get together enough. His expectations became smothering, and the more he did for me, the more he expected from me. What had seemed at first to be an attentive, giving man (which I liked), sadly and quickly grew to be (in my perception) a controlling and needy man, which for me, would not work.

I told my friend “Dan,” that perhaps he would be fine with someone who needed that kind of constant reassurance. Only he would know that. I also told him that he should thank his date for disclosing upfront who she was and what she needed. She gave him a gift tied with a nice bow that told him a lot about what he was getting, should he choose to unwrap it.

“Stan.” I met “Stan” for a first date for drinks and appetizers. Within 30 minutes, he told me he had never felt this kind of connection before with anyone. Unsure as to whether this was a compliment or a red flag, I met him for a second date. The flag went way up the pole when he showed me his iPhone. There was my picture, which he had copied off the Internet, saved as his screen saver! He told me he loved me and then swore to me that he wasn’t a stalker. So as not to upset the man who I felt was protesting too much, I steered the conversation toward the weather until I finished my drink, graciously thanked him, politely said goodnight, and exited stage left as quickly as I could.

So yes, I told my friend “Dan,” I had been on the receiving end of a man who was overly exuberant in expressing his attraction for me, and in this case it made me run the other way. It was too soon, and felt creepy. Perhaps someone else would have been flattered…I don’t know.

We all have different points at which our internal alarm sounds off, and we need to listen when it does. This is why I felt that my opinion would be irrelevant to “Dan.” It really didn’t matter what I thought was appropriate for him. What mattered, was if it was comfortable for him.

What’s right for one person may not be acceptable for another. One person’s reject, is another person’s perfect match! You say potato, I say potahto. Figure out what’s right for you before you call the whole thing off!

Please feel free to share any experiences, or thoughts in the comment section below!