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What’s Your Addiction?

I hadn’t eaten for 25 hours. Though not a religious person, I’d say I’m very spiritual. It was Yom Kippur, so in the spirit of tradition and self-reflection, I fasted and prayed from the comfort of my home while streaming services from Central Synagogue in New York, and Beit T’Shuva in Venice, CA. The former, elegant and traditional, the latter raw and not so traditional… both quite moving in different ways. Since I was also at the “I’ll try anything at this point” point to shake things up, I spent much of the day reflecting on what I was sorry for, what I was grateful for and what I was hoping for in the coming year.

As the sun finally set, I set out to eat. As I moved my phone to make room for my very full dinner plate, my iPhone spoke without being spoken to and said, “Sorry Nancy, I didn’t quite get that.”

“Excuse me, what now?” I exclaimed aloud. “I hope this isn’t a direct response from iGod on the cloud in regard to my prayers of the day.” Oy, now I was talking to myself. Perhaps too much alone time, I feared.

I needed food. As I began to nourish my taste buds and body, my soul continued to contemplate some of what it had been fed that day. There was so much to chew on. So much so in fact that it will definitely require further discussion and future posts. For now, I shall describe the everlasting taste in my mouth from Beit T’Shuva…

“F-You!” the Rabbi yelled. I had heard that this congregation was unique, but this was a first. I turned up the volume on my laptop when the Rabbi clarified and said, “Forgive YOU!”

Ah! I got it. With the spirit of the holiday being about asking God and people we may have hurt for forgiveness, the Rabbi’s message as I heard it, is that there is one very important person we should not forget to forgive: Ourselves.

Beit T’Shuva’s mission is to guide individuals and families towards a path of living well, so that wrestling souls can recover from addiction and learn how to properly heal.

This got me thinking about addiction. Dictionary.com says: The state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

I’m thinking that we can be addicted to things other than narcotics, alcohol, or tobacco. For instance, how many of us are addicted to negative thinking, dysfunctional relationships, self-sabotage, perfection, living in fear, or self-doubts and limiting beliefs? How many are addicted to bitterness, anger, or being a victim to our circumstances?

What if we were to use some of the steps of recovery for substance abuse addiction to assist us with self-sabotaging thinking patterns and behaviors? Including for instance,

• Admitting you have a problem
• Having faith and hope
• Giving your issues to a higher power
• Admitting your faults, past errors and receive support
• Accepting that it’s time to make a change
• Focusing on healing by prayer, meditation, hope &faith
• Considering making amends
• Taking responsibility for your actions
• Giving back to the community

Do you think that implementing some or all of these steps for whatever our personal demons may be, would help us to lead healthier, more joyful, productive, fulfilling lives? Might that in turn create a community in which we support each other, resulting in a more compassionate world?

It’s all about steps. Whether they are the well known 12 steps, a variation on that theme, or making the effort to take steps forward to where we want to be; it’s all about steps. We are all a work in progress, and need to allow ourselves to sometimes stumble or fall as we are making strides. Sometimes we may even take a couple steps back, but we need to be able to forgive ourselves along the way. And if you ever forget this important aspect in your journey, just remember, as the Rabbi so enthusiastically said….

“F-You!”

Need help with substance abuse or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.

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Today I had a day off with nothing planned, which actually made me feel a little uncomfortable. I generally like to have a list to check off in order to feel productive, but nothing I had to do was screaming out as urgent. Thus, I felt no urge to do any of it, so I didn’t.

Sitting with myself, and no to-do list, was strange. I had no itinerary. No appointments, errands, or crucial chores. As I sat there contemplating my options of how best to fill this free time (that I thought I was longing for), I felt at a bit of a loss. There I was, face to face with a reality I had been keeping too busy to notice; or simply had been choosing to avoid. Change was staring at me head on.

Yes, the dust of change was settling around me. My kids were out of the nest and on their own. Friends working, married — (or both) — were busy being busy in their own worlds.

Pity party for one, no gifts please.

We all, at times, feel the weightiness of our thoughts, fears and concerns falling squarely on our shoulders. This was one of those times.

So what, you may be wondering, does this have to do with getting ‘bugs in your eyes?’… hang in there with me for a minute, I promise I’m getting to it…

Going through life’s changes later in life can be challenging to say the least. Empty nesting, having no nest, building a new nest, having no one with whom to share the nest, sharing a nest with someone we really don’t want to share it with, job changes, job loss, loss of loved ones, loss of muscle tissue, soft tissue getting softer, memory getting shorter, arms getting longer from trying to read a menu, being longer in the teeth from brushing too damn well; to name a few.

As I was contemplating all these wondrous joys of later life, unable to see the potential blooming forest through the trees of doom and gloom, I was saved by the marimba chimes of my iPhone. A dear friend from high school was calling to see how I was doing. In hindsight, she was the life preserver the Universe was throwing me from the Starship Enterprise.

As a result of our conversation, she was inspired to suggest that I watch a show called Playing House, on USA Network/On Demand. She thought I would not only want a role on the show, but that I’d appreciate the writing and also get a good laugh, which she instinctively felt I needed. She then gave me instructions to text her to let her know how much I loved it. Finally, something to check off on my list for the day.

I sat down with some chocolate chip cookie dough courtesy of Nestles, and started binge snacking and binge watching for hours … and hours. I was vicariously enjoying watching two best girlfriends move in together having a blast, even though it was because the pregnant one found her husband cheating with a naked woman live on the Internet. So, the two BFs were going to birth and care for this baby together as a family.

My dear friend was right, I was loving the show and laughing; but through the funny was an underlying sadness for me. I started thinking about how in real life many of us are becoming more and more isolated from those we care about. We’ve become so focused on our success or our busy-ness, that we are losing touch with what is most important in our lives: our relationships with the people we care about and love.

Taking it a step further, because I had plenty of time to do so, I thought that not only are so many of us too busy chasing our tails to notice what we’re missing, but we’re also becoming so damn self-sufficient, that relationships are becoming collateral damage.

In one of the episodes after the baby had been born, the mom challenged a biker to a game of pool while holding her newborn in a sling, saying that she could do everything by herself and didn’t need any help.

He looked closely at her and said, “You’ve got bugs in your eyes.” She tilted her head looking confused, and he continued saying, “You see, skeleton riders, we’ve got this saying … You’ve got bugs in your eyes …what it means is this…

You can’t always be the lead hog. When we ride, we ride in formation. We trade out the lead, because if you stay in the front of the pack for too long, you get bugs in your eyes … You need to let other people help you. It doesn’t make you any less of a rider …”

Brilliant. Not only is it okay to rely on others, it’s imperative — for us as individuals and as a community.

“We’re not meant to go through life alone.” That was one of the things my Grandma used to say. She was right. We recently lost her at the age of 103. I miss her a lot.

I know my Grandma didn’t mean that having 200 friends on Facebook would suffice. While that certainly has its place, virtual contact is not the same. So when you’re up for this or down with that, when you have too much time or not enough, when you think of someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, or you just simply need some human contact … call a friend, feed a lover, hug a child, listen to an aging parent, help a stranger, or give someone the gift of helping you. It truly does take a village.

Do you have bugs in your eyes?