You Want it? Ask For It! Are you comfortable asking for what you want? When at work, in restaurants, in bed, in relationships—in life in general: if you don’t ask, you don’t get. Okay, so maybe it’s easier to ask for your salad dressing on the side than it is to ask your partner for more sex! Regardless, being able to ask for what we want is a skill we must learn. But first, we must know what we want!

 1) Know what qualities you desire in a partner.

 When I got divorced, I made my list of these important qualities beginning with being communicative, passionate, and have the desire to know the ways I need to feel cared for. From there I prioritized from ‘must haves’ to ‘would be great to haves.’ While this is no guarantee in finding ‘The One,’ (as you will see by reading the dating adventures in my book), it helps to narrow the margin for error.

 The world of dating is constantly changing. Meeting people through family, friends, or at the water cooler has been replaced by traveling through (what feels like) the black hole of cyberspace. Dating online presents many new challenges and perhaps too many opportunities. You can go on J-date to find your Match with E-Harmony and don’t forget there’s Plenty of Fish! You need to know how to write a profile, whether to flirt, poke, e-mail or call. Now, if you want to find out who is single sitting next to you while sipping your latte, there’s an app for that! Mobile dating is expected to take online courtships to a billion dollar industry.

Not sure how to merge into the fast lane of cyber dating? There are all kinds of books for dummies including all kinds of ‘rules’ that men and women are supposed to follow, such as:

Men: Wait 3 days before calling back, screen her first few calls to see how desperate she is, don’t flatter her too much, be mysterious but not weird, wait 90 days to sleep together.

Women: Don’t take the first step, don’t be too available, don’t write him back immediately, once you have a man, ignore him for a while to let mystery grow. Really? To me, these sound more like ‘games’ than ‘rules!’ Here’s a concept: How about we try to be our authentic selves so that we attract someone with whom we will be most authentically connected?

For many of us, dating is a means of getting to ‘The End’ by finding ‘The One’ so we can hopefully live ‘happily ever after.’ For others, it may just be to find ‘The One’ to have sex on a regular basis. So, to save time, energy, emotional distress and money:

2) Know why you are dating and let it be known right from the beginning!

If you want to be married, say so. If you want a plus-one for shows and dinner dates, say so. If you just want a bed buddy, say so! Maybe you ultimately want a life partner, but for now you just want to date casually. Whatever your reason, figure it out and say so! Be honest with yourself and with the other person.

In the 6 1/2 years since my divorce I’ve learned a lot about dating and about the similarities and differences between men and women. In the next couple weeks I’ll be sharing more from my dating experiences, and some secrets from people who have found long-lasting love.

Lastly, I am most excited to announce that I have co-written an article for the magazine Life After 50 which will be out on newsstands and the Internet in the March issue! Details to follow!…