As I was driving along the ocean on Pacific Coast Highway the other day, I was in a bit of a meditative state, seeing the waves carrying surfers safely to the shore, the sea foaming as if to cushion their landing. I watched the swimmers buoying about, and children digging to the core of the earth with their shovels. Somehow I was able to frame this picture in my mind while operating a moving vehicle. (It was ‘hands-free’ after all.)

It was a silent moving picture. I didn’t have the radio on and my windows were up so there was no ambient sound…not even the sound of my own thoughts. Then, out of nowhere, came the sound of my own voice singing a line from Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi:”

 “Don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” 

“What? Where did that come from?” I asked myself aloud. Why I was surprised I don’t know, as this has happened before.

I shouldn’t have been taken aback by my random a cappella solo since I’ve been known, at any given moment, to blurt out into song. Once, during an extremely difficult time in my marriage, I spontaneously started singing Lenny Kravitz’ “I’ve got to get away, I want to fly away.”  Usually these musical outbursts occur when I’m going through something challenging, feeling deep joy, sadness, or frustration. I’ll suddenly hear a line from a song relating to whatever is happening subconsciously at the time, and then it ultimately makes its way out of my mouth.

So, I wondered, what was causing Joni Mitchell to be in my head? The answer was, as David Bowie sings, “Ch-ch-ch-Changes.” Once again, the answer came to me in a song. Music and singing have always been a passion of mine, and as it turns out, a form of therapy. We all glean clues to our thoughts and behaviors in different ways; evidently music is a window to mine.

The soundtrack of my youth accented close family relationships, and a warm loving circle of family friends who were basically extended family. As with anything wonderful, however, there is usually a flip side. Side B, is that everyone has gotten older and/or busier so there are fewer times shared together, and we lose touch. Touch, as in communicating what’s happening in our lives and our heads. Touch, as in fewer opportunities for big hugs that say how much I miss you.

This flip side also includes grown children moving away. When I first moved away from home, I was in a store trying on clothes listening to a mother and daughter talking and laughing in the next dressing room. As I listened to their conversation it made me miss my mother terribly. I remember thinking that this was the hard part of being close.

Fast-forward a few decades to the present, and now both of my children are moving away. This is what’s supposed to happen, I know. And in following the advice of a Life Coach/writer I know well, I’m working on acceptance, attitude, and gratitude. It’s the ache in my stomach and the tears that aren’t listening.

Dealing with change is not easy, especially when feeling a sense of loss. But, there is an answer that I feel will help us cope with both change and loss!

Stay connected.

Research has shown that the benefits of social connection will increase happiness, provide us with better health and a longer life.*  We must find a way to not feel isolated (other than through the Internet!). Whether it’s a weekly or monthly cup of coffee, phone call or Skype; make it happen. My kids and my siblings are at the top of my list.

Funny, the song playing in my head right now?

“Just shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel. Things are gonna work out fine, if you only will.”– James Taylor

NOTE TO READERS:

Many people deal with change quietly and privately. I greatly respect and understand this, but I feel that one of the best ways to cope and feel less alone is by hearing other people’s stories. Sharing also helps one handle his or her challenging situation.

In keeping with this theme of sharing and connecting, I would like to do more of both, with all of you who read my blog. In the Fall I’m going to begin doing a monthly short video (or more often depending on the volume of emails) where I will address your challenges, your joys, and your questions. A virtual ‘Dear Nancy,’ if you will.

In order to do this, I need your help. Please start e-mailing me your questions, frustrations, or stories, whether they’re about dating, your relationships, kids, communicating…any issue you’d like me to discuss, and I will answer/address them ‘face to face!’

Start sending in your questions etc. to nancy@nancytellsall.com! (There’s no per person limit and you shall remain anonymous!)

You can help others. It takes a village, or in this case a cyber-village, so let me hear from you! Let us all hear from you!

*www.liveyourlifewell.org