It’s the beginning of April and it is Spring Break… somewhere. Kids, and usually their parents take a break from the normal routine, and some even break away to destinations with pools, palm trees, or even gondolas and gelato. Our regular routines keep us busy and at times productive, (and no, they’re not the same thing). They keep money coming in (hopefully), food on the table, and appointments in line and on time. Routines keep us on task and on track. However, unless we dedicate a specific time for it, our day-to-day-hustle- bustle doesn’t usually give our minds or our bodies the opportunity to take a break.

For some, breaking away from the daily grind for a cup of rejuvenation isn’t an issue; for others like myself, preventing the mind from percolating can be more challenging. The irony is that our productivity, creativity, and day-to-day performance fire beautifully on all cylinders when we take the time for a tune up. Whatever that looks like for you, do it! Take a walk, have great sex, garden, do nothing, meditate, or all the above!

My break will be a Spring-cleaning of the mind, as I am going to take a few weeks off from writing. I will be seeing family and friends. I’ll have quality time with my nephew and my niece. I will have time with both my kids, and the bonus of observing my daughter showing everyone that it is possible to follow more than one passion as we watch her sing on stage in San Francisco. And yes, I will also make every attempt to find time to do nothing. I have no expectations of any brilliant answers or groundbreaking ideas coming to light. As they sing in the musical Rent: “My only goal is just to be.”

So, until later then! Please feel free to write and let me know what you did differently, or what you didn’t do for your Spring Break!

With appreciation and gratitude,

Nancy

In the 1960’s there was an ad campaign for Tareyton cigarettes that said, “I’d rather fight, than switch!” Texting may not be as toxic as smoking, but it can indeed be hazardous to our lives, and our relationships. And while our electronic devices can help us to feel connected with others, it seems that we don’t ever disconnect. I believe our devices are dividing us:

• I recently observed a couple sitting in a restaurant. They didn’t say a word to each other or even make eye contact for at least ten minutes. Instead they sat; eyes down, index fingers up, swiping their smart phones. Not so smart. Phones. Next time you’re out, notice how many people are engaging with and embracing an electronic device instead of the person they’re with.

• A friend of mine recently called his niece to wish her a happy birthday, and she texted him back to say thank you instead of returning his phone call. The growth of our interpersonal skills is being stunted.
• A friend once texted me to say she was unable to help me with something. I texted back saying, “Never mind, it’s ok.” She flew off the handle thinking I was upset at her and the misunderstanding caused a huge and unnecessary argument.
• There is now a dating app where you can just swipe, text, and meet. This new slam, bam, thank you ma’am dating process accelerates you right to the meet and greet; eliminating if you so desire, talking to the person first. Courting. Is there an app for that?
• I recently witnessed a man face down in his cell phone with his back to his young children as they were climbing onto the ledge of a balcony. Was the immediacy of his response more important than the safety of his children?
• Schools are actually canceling dances. The principal of a High School in New York told TODAY Moms that kids no longer need school activities to keep them connected because of texting, FaceTime, Snapchat, etc.
• The other day I watched a group of young people hanging out together and all of them were looking at their phones instead of interacting with each other.
• Phone calls are becoming an endangered species. While it’s great to be able to hear from 100 friends wishing you happy birthday via technology, I miss hearing the voices of the 20 people who used to pick up the phone to call me.
• Being the man/woman behind the screen creates a sense of security and power to say things we wouldn’t say on the phone or in person. Most often, this won’t end well. It usually doesn’t begin too well either.
• And lastly, do I need to go into the risks of driving while typing or reading a text?! Or even walking! According to an Ohio State University study, the number of pedestrian ER visits doubled between 2004 and 2010, and at that rate could possibly double again between 2010 and 2015.

Warning: Frequent texting or other Internet related communications may be hazardous to the health of all that is sacred: 

A discussion of any importance should never take place over the Internet. Never! It’s too easy to misunderstand or to be hurtful. It’s also an easier way of dealing with difficult situations. Been there, done that, won’t ever do it again.

Stephen Stills wrote: Love the one you’re with! It’s just plain rude not to give your attention to the people you are with. You can wait to talk with those in cyberspace when you are done playing with your fellow earthlings.

Don’t text or read a text while driving or walking! Nuff said.

If you have any thoughts on this, please comment below!

Not too long ago, I was asked to be a guest on The Divorce View Radio Talk Show to discuss dating after divorce. It’s amazing how many insights….and stories are revealed when you are being interviewed! We also had some technical difficulties in the beginning, which turned out to be my first embarrassing moment.  I couldn’t hear one of the co-hosts, and unbeknownst to me, I could be seen and heard as I was trying to tell/signal them that I couldn’t hear anything she was saying! There is no editing when it’s LIVE! After that it was smooth sailing and oh, the places we went!

Hot topics: 

• * The fear of dating and meeting men

• * How each date is a lesson to help you find “Mr.” or “Mrs.” Right

• * Are you ignoring the “red” flags of your new relationship and why?
• Plus much, much more..

I hope you enjoy and maybe even laugh a little!

If you want to see the video version, click on the link below:

www.DivorceView.com

If you only want to hear the audio, click below:

http://www.fmgradio.com/divorceview/2014/03/episode-4-dating-adventures-post-divorce.html

There are going to be some weeks on NancyTellsAll.com when I change things up a bit. I may write an article or I may post a video, interview, or possibly an article I wrote that was published elsewhere. It may be quotes that I feel the need to share, or just a few paragraphs of blowing off steam.

Guess what this week is? Between dealing with an Ex, entitled misogynists, and watching some of The Bachelor, (this season should have been called The Asshole); I just want to find a deserted island (complete with a really nice bungalow, cook, housekeeper, and a way to listen to music), and go there with my children indefinitely. Not kidding.

It is 1:00 am and my mind is reeling with thoughts of just a little retribution. I’m past the age of prank phone calls or sending 10 pizzas COD. Or am I? I’m past the stage of fantasizing that my fist would find its way into someone’s already deviated septum. Or am I?

If there were a Super Bowl for relationships, I think the two rivals that would consistently face each other would be Expectations vs. Acceptance.

If you are divorced from someone who was never able to communicate or listen to you without an immediate knee jerk reaction jumping down your throat exhibiting no respect for you whatsoever, what would make you think that things would be different post divorce?

If you work with people who bully and have never typically shown regard for co-workers, why would you expect them to suddenly change their ways?

If you’re having a conversation with The Bachelor on TV, who is showing consistently that he is incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t go around in hurtful circles, why would you not see the red flag slapping you in the face caused by the hot air coming from his arrogant mouth?

Why? Because we innately want to believe in people. We want to believe that people care, and that they can and will change. We learn early on to live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If we truly learned everything we need to know in Kindergarten, then I think by our fifth decade of life we should be required to take some continuing education classes! First course: How to Play Nicely in the Sandbox! I’m thinking that the benefits of this could likely extend past the microcosm of personal relationships, helping also on a national or even an international level.

Really people. Why, when we have a choice, can’t we all just choose to try and get along?? Wouldn’t everybody’s lives be much happier and less stressful??

Is it unreasonable to expect that someone would show you respect by listening to you? To respond without inflicting wounds into your feelings of self-worth? To treat you with common courtesy? Is it? We all have varying degrees of expectations and there are times we must accept that they will not be met. As I see it, there are 3 options:

1- Try and explain what you need so that whomever you are addressing has the opportunity to listen, to know they aren’t meeting your needs and to make an effort.

2- If they cannot or will not meet your needs you can either A) Accept that fact and deal with it as best as possible, or B) Move on.

3- Either way, don’t beat your head against a wall or your fist into their deviated septum. Just learn to let it go. Or let them go!

There. It turned out to be more than just a few paragraphs, but I am done blowing off steam, and shall now attempt to follow my own advice. Perhaps I can now go to sleep…

This article can also be seen on Huffington Post!

Thoughts? Comments?

If our emotions shut down, are we aware that we’re not feeling? Perhaps this is a bit like asking if the falling tree makes a noise when no one is around to hear it… and we’ll get to that, but first a non sequitur…

This year’s Academy Awards had a few highlights, but I’d say it had a few more low-lights—John Travolta being perhaps the dimmest bulb of the bunch. Idina Menzel, though no longer in face paint, looked a bit green but managed to defy the gravity of the situation despite her surprisingly visible nerves. From green to Pink (another unexpectedly subpar performance), to Gravity having way too much of a pull, to the writing that lacked originality (pizza, really?!), to Ellen who was so nonchalant she basically Skyped it in; it was a different kind of Oscar show, lacking the class and originality of Oscars past.

The good news is that for the first time in a long time, I felt something– aside from my humble opinions above.

Ever since I can remember, without fail, I would cry during acceptance speeches. When the winner would talk about how they used to practice their speeches as a kid, or say, ‘if you have a dream, follow it and don’t give up because anything is possible,’ I’d go through several Kleenex—boxes. They were talking to me. It was my dream to be a successful working actor, and I knew my Oscar speech by heart. Yes, my tears were from frustration, but they were also droplets of hope envisioning myself holding that gold hunk-of-a-man.

But then one award season something happened. No more tears. No more feeling. As the song I once sang from A Chorus Line says, “I felt nothing.” After trying so hard (while raising my kids) to break into the business, I felt the crushing feeling that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. All the headshot mailings, the attempts to secure a theatrical agent within the paradoxical Catch-22 of needing credits I couldn’t get without said agent, the acting workshops to build my chops and get exposure; nothing worked in procuring my big break. Instead of focusing on all I had accomplished, I could only see my life-long wishes and grandiose dreams exiting stage left.

When we feel nothing, are we aware that we’ve become numb? Do we realize that we have unplugged from the things and from people that give us vitality and a reason for being?

Wading through the muck of challenging times takes courage, faith, patience, and acceptance. I felt a great sense of loss, hurt and disappointment…three nominees for best reason to become numb. These emotions can cause us to tailspin into autopilot coasting right into Numbland. This can be a very lonely place, and it’s important to allow either a partner who can play a supporting role, and/or a supporting cast of friends to be there to remind us that who we are is not defined by what happens to us and to trust that we are, in fact, going to be okay.

We also need to be kind to ourselves. Here’s a good way to remember how to be your own best FRIEND:

• Fake it ‘til you make it
• Remember that things happen as they’re supposed to happen
• Imagine life the way you’d like it to be
• Every day take small steps toward your goals
• Now, right now, think and feel ‘as if’ what you desire is already happening
• Dwell on all that is positive in your life

What we focus on and work toward will create our reality. So to that end goal, I imagine approaching the podium at the Oscars with my theme song playing, to say:

I’d like to thank my theatrical and literary agent for believing in me in Act 2 of my life. It was so exciting to have my book “You Want Me to What?! become the premise for a TV show for which I had a lead role, and now being optioned as a movie. I am beyond thrilled for my recurring role on General Hospital, as that show and a very special person there has kept me believing for over 30 years! Writing for Oprah magazine, and having a syndicated newspaper column is another dream come true. It has also been an honor to speak to and work with men and women on improving relationships at home and at work and I look forward to doing more. 

I want to thank my friends and family for putting up with my pity parties and helping me to realize that it’s never too late in life to follow your passion and feel fulfilled. Because of challenging times I am stronger and more appreciative of the little things and have learned how to focus more on all that is good in my life. Most importantly, I want thank my grown children for being my constant source of support, love and inspiration. I love you so much!

“And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true…”

If you were to write your acceptance speech, as if what you want is already happening, what would you say? If you’d like me to share it to be posted anonymously, please email it to me at nancy@nancytellsall.com Or you can write it in the comment section below!

This article was also published on Huffington Post!

Once upon a time… there were two women, Nancy and Robin, living in Laguna Niguel, CA., just 5 minutes from each other. They belonged to the same Synagogue, had sons the same age, were both performers from way back, but had never met. Then, one day, the Cantor of their Synagogue called Nancy into her office explaining that there was to be the greatest event in all the land to celebrate the new home for the congregation. She asked Nancy if she would sing and if her mom, Elaine, musician and composer extraordinaire, would create a musical show to entertain at this big event. The Cantor also told Nancy that there was another woman she wanted to include, and her name was Robin.

Upon first meeting, Nancy and Robin were cordial, eyeing each other up and down as two dogs might when they first meet at the dog park. Short of peeing on a tree to claim her territory, Nancy made it very clear which song was to be hers, and Robin paraded about with a very sparkly rhinestone belt buckle that she would one day protest she never wore.

The show was received so well, that Nancy and Robin (soon to become Robin and Nancy) were asked to do a show for an annual dinner the following spring. Necessity being the mother of invention, Elaine, Nancy and Robin created a 45 minute show entitled “These Are The Good Old Days!,” A Musical Sketch Comedy. It was the Carol Burnett Show meets Saturday Night Live, and it was a huge success. So much so, that the three ladies went back to the writing board and it became a 90 minute show called, “Shtick Happens!” “Shtick” played for 3 months in West Hollywood, a month at a dinner theatre in Orange County CA., and at various events from the Bay Area, to Southern California to Minneapolis.

There’s an old saying, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” The journey of creating this show was something these ladies would never have anticipated. It was a life altering experience. Writing and rehearsing for the show was not only creatively enlightening and exhilarating, but personally profound. They laughed so hard they were falling off their chairs, rolling on the floor. They cried singing of their Yiddishe Mammas and to their fathers. They ate cake at midnight, danced until dawn as Robin tried to teach Nancy how to tell her right foot from her left. They sang together in harmony, producing a musical sound that critics called magical. Separately they were great, together they were brilliant.

It was a wonderful run. Then as life happens, the show came to an end but their friendship lived on through thick and thin, because no matter what, they were meant to go through this show called “life” together. In a span of 13 years these two women who were once not sure if they even liked one another, became sisters. Sisters who share a deep unbreakable love and respect for one another.

Now, these two sisters must say goodbye. Well, goodbye to life as they know it. Robin is spreading her wings and flying far away to begin a new life. Undoubtedly, their kinship will continue and will not be diminished by the miles between them; but knowing this doesn’t stop the tears from flowing or make the weight of the loss any lighter.

Nancy will miss Robin terribly and wishes her the ‘happily ever after’ that she so deserves.

Not The End.

Play below to see ‘Shtick’ in action! Here’s to you Robbie!

This article was originally published on YourTango.com, the premier media company dedicated exclusively to love and relationships, and I am now able to publish it on NancyTellsAll! Life takes us on a ride filled with twists and turns, devastating drops, tunnels of love, fun escapades and catch your breath moments. We all have stories to tell, and I think that we can  learn from each other by sharing our experiences. YourTango agreed:

I dreamed the other night that my kids told me my ex-husband, their father, was getting remarried and buying a million dollar home in Maui. “Oh, must be nice!” I responded sarcastically to this breaking news. I immediately felt bad for allowing my sixth-grade schoolyard voice to speak out loud, but I felt such resentment and jealousy that he was living high on the roasted pig with Miss Newby, and I was still struggling financially as a single mom. Then I woke up, and those feelings were all too real.

It was becoming apparent that my mind was spending way too much time on what was lacking in my life, dwelling on the unfairness of it all. I knew intellectually that my fixation on the negative details of my past would lock me into a future I didn’t want.

However, the facts remained: I had gotten the house in the divorce, but that soon ended up a short-sale statistic. My “nest egg” netted out to be a big fat goose egg. As for spousal support, I  (stupidly) agreed to receive it for a finite period of time–even though I had been a stay at home mom for 18 years without having established a career prior to marrying. Of course I’ll be able to fast-track it to a successful career and a comfortable income for myself, I figured. Psych! The recession hit, grinding my progress–and any possibility  of rebuilding my bank account–to a screeching halt. I have to say that I honestly sometimes feel I’m being punished for having stayed home for nearly two decades to raise my children.

Yes, I wanted the divorce, so I had made my own (twin) bed. I could have decided to stay in my marriage where I felt financially secure, but that would have meant living without any emotional connection. I needed and deserved to feel heard, understood, appreciated and acknowledged; to be looked at in the eye by my husband, to feel cherished and adored. And I didn’t.

I also felt that he didn’t respect what I brought to the marriage and to our family because what I brought had no monetary value. While I didn’t contribute financially, I created our home and raised our two children to become loving, compassionate, inspiring human beings, and I couldn’t be more proud. Yet, in a short amount of time, as a 40-something year-old woman, I was under pressure to earn an income that took him an entire career to establish.

So yes, there are times when I’ve wanted to scream that it’s not #*&/- ing fair! And as the clock ticks closer and closer to the moment when my support lifeline will slip through my fingers, I worry that my vulnerability and fear will grow into a monster anchor keeping me immobile, or at the very least, from enjoying life.

It’s amazing how one little dream can cause such a sh*t storm. It’s also amazing how the universe, like Superman, knows exactly when and where to come to the rescue. This time it picked me up and put me back on my feet via cyberspace with a “random” message from Nora Ephron:

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”

“Yes!” I yelled out when I read this in an email. If I accept the role of victim, then I am essentially handing over my power to someone else and forfeiting my opportunity to experience joy and live to my full potential. Why the hell would I choose to do that?!

Then I looked up the definition of heroine: A woman of distinguished courage or ability, admired for her brave deeds and noble qualities.

Most of us don’t realize how strong and capable we are. Too often we use our energy to fight against what is, instead of coming face to face with making it better. Once we can stop looking in the rear view mirror, we can start to take action toward beginning a new life.

Here are more lessons I learned along the way about what to stop doing–and what to start doing–in order to spring forward toward a more fulfilling life post-divorce:

Stop: worrying about the future. Focus and be present each day and the future will unfold.

Start: feeling gratitude. We’ve all heard that being grateful for what we have makes us feel better. Even more to the point, when you focus on and appreciate all that you have, you will receive more of what’s good in your life. What you focus on expands!

Stop: copying and pasting. We need to talk about what has happened to learn from it, vent, seek advice, or get a hug; but be careful that what happened to you doesn’t begin to define you. Share with a few chosen people, then label it ‘Past File’ and send to the archives.

Start: taking walks and longer showers. Honestly, this is when I have my best ideas. To help find the answers you seek, or to feel more at peace, give yourself the gift of taking a walk outside; or take an extra few minutes in the shower to relax. It works!

Stop: the limiting beliefs. Beware. Maneuver around these, or like quick sand they’ll keep you stuck, sinking into your fears.

Start: realizing that how you feel affects what happens. Think of ways to create positive feelings. This can be tough, and I’ll admit seemingly impossible at times, but the energy that our feelings produce and emit into the world will create a boomerang affect. What we throw comes back to us.

Start: focusing on what you do have. Yes, as opposed to what you don’t have, or don’t have anymore. You will receive more of what you want this way.

Stop: worrying about the ‘how.’ You can become so overwhelmed by not knowing how to accomplish what you want that you never try. Once you know what you want, the ‘how’ will happen. Baby steps. Fall down. Get back up. More baby steps. You did it as a toddler without thinking.

Start: stepping to the other side of your comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with comfort. However, if it becomes more of a ‘caution zone’ surrounded by yellow tape, it’s only preventing you from proceeding ahead.

Start: realizing it’s all how you look at something. I recently asked my 102-year-old grandma how she has gotten through all that she has in her life, and she told me, “Attitude is important. It runs your life.” Out of the mouths of the aged! We have a choice as to how we see things. We can either look at a situation as an adventure, and view the possible rocky terrain as a way of becoming more adept at conquering challenges, or we can see it as an overwhelming burden. Either way, you will be right.

Your life experience will depend on how you choose to think and how you choose to see things. The good news is you get to choose!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

This video really says it all…and then some! Prepare yourself!!

Please Share, Like, Recommend, etc!!

With Appreciation and Gratitude,

Nancy

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