Balance. It’s just the right mix of the dirty and the martini, the spaghetti and the meatballs, the hot fudge and the sundae. Right?!

Or to be more legit, but not quite as deliciously descriptive (in my humble opinion), three definitions from Merriam-Webster:

1. an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements
   +
2. stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis
   ——————————————————————
3. mental and emotional steadiness

While Webster didn’t exactly provide the definitions in this format, it definitely adds up. When we can balance the different aspects of our lives (children, love life, work, family obligations, spiritual/religious time, chores, pets, returning phone calls, texts, and tweets, paying bills, and oh yes, relaxing), we will have mental and emotional steadiness.

Ha!

Is it possible to find a way for the scales of our life to teeter gently up and down at center instead of swinging drastically out of whack?

“Go, find balance. Lesson not just karate only. Lesson for whole life. Whole life have a balance. Everything be better. Understand?—Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid

What is balance?? It’s something we all talk about, but perhaps it’s nothing more than an illusion. As a woman who is also a mother, I can say that it has been very difficult to maintain what society believes to be a balanced life, and to feel valued. The not so subliminal societal expectations that women can or should ‘do it all’ are constantly lurking above. Professional success (annual income) seems to always weigh more heavily on the scale. This creates a sense of imbalance…from the outside.

Hence, I feel that balance must come from the inside, despite messages from the media or even our nearest and dearest. When my kids were young, I discovered that I needed to get my butt back on stage to feed my passion. I succeeded by doing regional theatre and was finally flying at a comfortable altitude, until my husband asked, “When are you going to start getting paid for this?” Needle in balloon. Balance averted.

Forget struggling for balance/societal acceptance. There is no way that we can feel a sense of calm if we’re always trying to satisfy others…whether we are women trying to be everything to everybody, or men trying to be strong, yet sensitive providers.

Look inside yourself. We human beings come equipped with an internal barometer. When your barometer is in balance, you’ll know. If something doesn’t feel right, pay attention, no matter what anyone says.

What is balance? For me, it is giving ourselves permission to be authentically who we are. Find what makes you happy, and figure out a way to incorporate that into your life, whether you make money from it or not. Respect your internal barometer, and provide yourself with a sense of equilibrium. Perhaps if we do, there would be a shift creating a more universal feeling of alignment and harmony.

I welcome any thoughts or comments you may have!

I am about to begin typing, my hands poised to write this week’s blog, and… nothing. I try again. Nothing.

Fingers in position, ready to tickle my keyboard, and all I see is the blank Word doc staring back at me.

“What?” I say to the computer as if it’s looking at me funny. And then it hit me. It was the big white metaphor in the room. This empty white cyber Word doc is a reminder that we all have the opportunity, at any time, to start with a clean slate.

Coincidentally (if you believe in coincidences), Wednesday at sunset Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, began. As the sun set with its colors illuminating aspects of our lives, and casting shadows on the unknown, we look to a new year. This is viewed not as an extension of the year before, but as a new creation; a blank page so to speak.

It is said that if we honestly regret our misbehaviors and make a plan to improve for the next year, apologizing to God and others we have hurt, then God erases entirely the previous year, as if you never did anything wrong. It’s as if we broke a glass which we know can’t be put back together, but God gives us an entirely new glass. It is also believed that all of our good acts are being held in a bank for us, never to be erased.

While I myself don’t know if all this is true, it sounds great to me. How often have we wished that we could just erase things we’ve done or said? Or have felt that we have not taken the opportunities to live to our potential? No matter our religious beliefs, taking the time to reflect on our behaviors, and making a conscious choice to improve as human beings is not a burden but a gift.

When I first began writing on this empty page I saved it to another computer to complete when I got home, but when I opened the attachment to write, the document was blank. Just like the last time the computer seemingly wigged out on me, I immediately became frustrated and upset, wondering why technology was creating obstacles in my path to finishing my creation. It took me a day to realize what had literally been staring me right in the face. This blank page was a big reminder that it is time to start with a clean slate. It made me realize that things that appear to be obstacles getting in our way can be opportunities to look at life differently.

At this time I wish for everyone, Jewish or not, to find a time to reflect, feel gratitude for life’s blessings, the strength to choose happiness and love, the ability to see obstacles as opportunities, and to have a ton of fun filling up your pages that are yet unwritten!

Ok, I’m going to be brutally honest and hang my vulnerability out for all to see. On my brief hiatus the past couple of weeks, a lot of changes occurred in my life. While I’m supposed to be the one waxing poetic, encouraging wise words to motivate and get readers off their ‘buts,’ I have been stuck on pause as I watch everyone else moving forward.

If a person (who shall remain nameless) finds herself crying a lot, does that mean they’re depressed, or perhaps just temporarily out of sorts? I think it’s a question for a meteorologist.  After all, for teardrops to form there must be a loss of a stable layer, thus causing instability. Add a little moisture and voila: precipitation. Length of time for waterworks? Well that depends on the numerous atmospheric variables.

Both of my grown children have moved away, soaring onward and upward with their lives. While I am a kvelling, extremely proud mom, the nest is emptier and a lot quieter… and with a few tears every so often.  Ok, very so often. Like one day it happened 5 or 6 times. Friends are either moving away, or busying away the days running to and fro trying to beat the clock. Adding to the unstable atmospheric conditions are changing relationships with family members (and not in the direction I’d have predicted or desired), doubts as to where I’m living, what I’m doing, where I’m going, and maybe a few hormones thrown in. I think in meteorology terms, it could be said that a storm is brewing. Or maybe a hurricane.

There is a bright star, however, shining through my shit storm, and that is my mother. For her 75^th birthday, she showed and reminded me, and others, that it’s never too late to do what you are passionate about. That it is never too late to attempt and successfully challenge yourself regardless of age. That it is never too late to feel accomplished and content.

My mother is a musical prodigy. She began playing the piano by ear when she was 3 1/2, composing at the age of 4, and playing Chopin by ear at 6. She started formal lessons at 5, gave solo concerts as a teen, and continued performing professionally all her life. But while raising her family, she did not continue her classical music seriously, but rather continued composing for musical theater and television, and performing less demanding works. Then at age 74, she realized that she wanted to go back to her roots of classical music.  She wanted to regain her skills and technique before it was too late.  She simply “didn’t want to be the woman who used to play the piano.” And she wanted her children and grandchildren to know her through her classical performances. So she set a date to perform a 45-minute serious classical recital, to coincide with her 75th birthday.

Mission accomplished. A few weeks ago, my beautiful mother had a recital, where 35 friends and family members (including her mother who’s almost 102 years old), were honored to watch this master pianist at work. Her program consisted of works by Pinto, Khachaturian, and Chopin (her long standing favorite.). I’m hoping that her passion and determination will assist me through my current fog, to the other side, where I will find my own happy place.

I invite you to watch this 4-minute segment of her performance and see what I’m talking about, as a video is worth well more than 1000 words…

Ladies and Gentlemen, my mother:

As we turn the corner into the homestretch of summer, I will be taking the next couple of weeks off to spend as much time as possible with my kids. Before the time comes for the announcer to say, “There they go!” and they take off to run their own lives, I want to grab the reigns and enjoy them while I can.

If you haven’t had time to read some of my blogs, I hope you’ll click on Nancy Tells All above and scroll down to see more, and/or check out Archives!

I look forward to falling into the next season with you all! Please don’t forget to e-mail me any questions about:

Dating

Relationships

Divorce

Anything that’s on your mind!

I want to begin a monthly video with interviews, answers to your questions, etc. but I need your input. Let me hear from you!

Thank you again for following Nancy Tells All. If you have friends or family you feel would enjoy my weekly posts, please share the link to my site with them. I truly appreciate all the support and feedback from you!

See you soon!

Nancy

Do you know?

I’m not talking about the why as in “Why won’t you have sex with me tonight?” Or as in, why the hell did the Bachelorette fall for the one guy who didn’t love her? Not even the whyyyy I would routinely and persistently ask when I was young (ok, at times it sounded more like a whiiiine) to challenge my parents, teachers, or any authority figure when I didn’t get my way. No, I’m referring to a much bigger Why.

In journalism class we learn that a story is not complete without answering who, what, why, when, and where. Without filling in the blank to each of these, a story will have missing parts and questions left unanswered.

In the class of life, discovering our Why is the driving force to our own personal story. Our Why is bigger than a goal; it’s more a sense of purpose, it’s why we’re here. It is what fills your soul and makes you feel truly happy and joyful. Once the Why is answered, the What, When, and How’s ultimately fall into place.

…And tell me where,
Where is it written what it is I’m meant to be,
that I can’t dare to have the chance to pick the fruit of every tree,
Or have my share of every sweet-imagined possibility?
Just tell me where, tell me where?

This song “Where is it Written?” from Yentl, has been a huge part of my musical therapy over the years. If Babs only knew how many times this song has erupted from the core of my frustrated soul into a belt of fire breathing notes.

Figuring out our Why is easier for some, than others. Psychology professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi* says, “People are happiest when they are in a state of flow, which entails concentration to the point of complete absorption in an activity. The accompanying feelings, such as fulfillment, engagement and motivation, supersede our usual concerns like hunger, worry and regret.”

Some people refer to this as being in the zone; when you are so absorbed in what you are doing that the world around you ceases to exist. I felt that way when I was performing, and I feel that way when I’m writing. All the white noise in our lives is muted when we are doing what we love. This allows us to just be. To be in the moment and focused on what brings us joy.

Renowned Life Couch Martha Beck** says, “Go straight for the joy.” She adds, “When we live mindfully, noticing and following our good feelings, we discover what makes us truly happy. We discover our purpose. While that may temporarily translate into difficulty and fear, we have the choice to approach these not as obstacles, but as the paths that lead to joy.”

Once again, we are reminded of the power of our choices.

Fear can keep us from exploring our Why. Fear of changing our life as we know it (even if we’re not happy), fear of what others will think, or fear of things not working out the way we hope, all keep us from discovering Why we’re here.

I propose that the best way to handle our four-letter ‘friend’ is to write it a note:

Dear Fear,

I realize you will be a constant companion in my life, and at times you will be there to protect me against dangerous situations. However, if you attempt to prevent me from living my life to its fullest, I will merely look at you, acknowledge your presence and continue moving forward in a positive direction toward living a fulfilling life.

Most Sincerely,

The One in Charge

The most direct route to finding our Why is to follow what gives us joy. That is when fear, worry, anger and all negative monsters have no voice or power because you are in your zone. Taking time for silence each day is a way to quiet our fears and be in touch with where we are and where we need to be. Listen to your voice within. The answer lies there.

*Author of, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

**New York Times best selling author and columnist for O, The Oprah Magazine

As I was driving along the ocean on Pacific Coast Highway the other day, I was in a bit of a meditative state, seeing the waves carrying surfers safely to the shore, the sea foaming as if to cushion their landing. I watched the swimmers buoying about, and children digging to the core of the earth with their shovels. Somehow I was able to frame this picture in my mind while operating a moving vehicle. (It was ‘hands-free’ after all.)

It was a silent moving picture. I didn’t have the radio on and my windows were up so there was no ambient sound…not even the sound of my own thoughts. Then, out of nowhere, came the sound of my own voice singing a line from Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi:”

 “Don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” 

“What? Where did that come from?” I asked myself aloud. Why I was surprised I don’t know, as this has happened before.

I shouldn’t have been taken aback by my random a cappella solo since I’ve been known, at any given moment, to blurt out into song. Once, during an extremely difficult time in my marriage, I spontaneously started singing Lenny Kravitz’ “I’ve got to get away, I want to fly away.”  Usually these musical outbursts occur when I’m going through something challenging, feeling deep joy, sadness, or frustration. I’ll suddenly hear a line from a song relating to whatever is happening subconsciously at the time, and then it ultimately makes its way out of my mouth.

So, I wondered, what was causing Joni Mitchell to be in my head? The answer was, as David Bowie sings, “Ch-ch-ch-Changes.” Once again, the answer came to me in a song. Music and singing have always been a passion of mine, and as it turns out, a form of therapy. We all glean clues to our thoughts and behaviors in different ways; evidently music is a window to mine.

The soundtrack of my youth accented close family relationships, and a warm loving circle of family friends who were basically extended family. As with anything wonderful, however, there is usually a flip side. Side B, is that everyone has gotten older and/or busier so there are fewer times shared together, and we lose touch. Touch, as in communicating what’s happening in our lives and our heads. Touch, as in fewer opportunities for big hugs that say how much I miss you.

This flip side also includes grown children moving away. When I first moved away from home, I was in a store trying on clothes listening to a mother and daughter talking and laughing in the next dressing room. As I listened to their conversation it made me miss my mother terribly. I remember thinking that this was the hard part of being close.

Fast-forward a few decades to the present, and now both of my children are moving away. This is what’s supposed to happen, I know. And in following the advice of a Life Coach/writer I know well, I’m working on acceptance, attitude, and gratitude. It’s the ache in my stomach and the tears that aren’t listening.

Dealing with change is not easy, especially when feeling a sense of loss. But, there is an answer that I feel will help us cope with both change and loss!

Stay connected.

Research has shown that the benefits of social connection will increase happiness, provide us with better health and a longer life.*  We must find a way to not feel isolated (other than through the Internet!). Whether it’s a weekly or monthly cup of coffee, phone call or Skype; make it happen. My kids and my siblings are at the top of my list.

Funny, the song playing in my head right now?

“Just shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel. Things are gonna work out fine, if you only will.”– James Taylor

NOTE TO READERS:

Many people deal with change quietly and privately. I greatly respect and understand this, but I feel that one of the best ways to cope and feel less alone is by hearing other people’s stories. Sharing also helps one handle his or her challenging situation.

In keeping with this theme of sharing and connecting, I would like to do more of both, with all of you who read my blog. In the Fall I’m going to begin doing a monthly short video (or more often depending on the volume of emails) where I will address your challenges, your joys, and your questions. A virtual ‘Dear Nancy,’ if you will.

In order to do this, I need your help. Please start e-mailing me your questions, frustrations, or stories, whether they’re about dating, your relationships, kids, communicating…any issue you’d like me to discuss, and I will answer/address them ‘face to face!’

Start sending in your questions etc. to nancy@nancytellsall.com! (There’s no per person limit and you shall remain anonymous!)

You can help others. It takes a village, or in this case a cyber-village, so let me hear from you! Let us all hear from you!

*www.liveyourlifewell.org

Why is it that we need reminders to be mindful of how temporary life is? We see young fireman dying while trying to save others. We see young adults and children whose lives are cut way too short due to drug overdoses, violence or abuse. Loved ones having strokes, cancer, or accidents, altering lives forever.

I think we need a reminder to be mindful, period.

How often have you finished a cup of coffee or tea without even remembering the act of drinking it? Have you ever driven somewhere, not remembering the ride? How many times have you put something away, and didn’t remember doing so?

As I was typing out some thoughts the other day regarding present moment awareness, the computer randomly began inserting dashes in be-twe-en le-tte-rs, and it would-n’t st-op. As I was about to start spouting four-letter expletives, I realized it was typing a message to me. The dash was significant. I once read a poem about the dash in between our birth date and the date of our death. The poem stressed the importance of the dash, as it represents our time alive on earth.

Are we paying attention as we move so busily here, there and everywhere?  Are our lives dashing away while we’re doing other things?

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

These days we hear a lot about being in the moment (paying attention to and being mindful of what you are experiencing.). For instance, when playing “Candy Land” with your child, if you notice his/her eyes sparkle when they get to the candy castle first, you’re in the moment. You’re not, if you’re checking new emails on your phone. You’re in the moment if while kissing your lover you notice how his/her hand feels on your face and the softness of their lips. You’re not if you’re thinking about what errands you must run the next day.

When you observe children, you’ll notice that they are purely in the moment, not at all concerned about future or past events. If we could incorporate more of this focused attention in all we do, life wouldn’t whiz by in such a blur.

They used to say that the older you get, the faster time flies. Now-a-days, younger people are also amazed at how fast time is fleeting by. It’s no wonder the year feels like it’s moving on fast-forward when we see back-to-school ads in July, Halloween pumpkins in August, Christmas trees in September, and Valentine’s cards in December. We, as a society, are never in the moment! Also, with instantaneous news from around the world available at our fingertips, it distracts us from the moments in our own world.

Regardless of the above external distractions, our perception of time travel can be altered if you try,

• Paying attention to your senses—touch, smell, sight, sound and taste, noticing all that surrounds you.
• Breathing, noticing how it feels.
• Doing less of what distracts you from engaging in activities that make you feel good.
• Focusing on all things for which you are grateful.

Normally, we do not so much look at things as overlook them. — Alan Watts.

I was in the play Our Town in high school. There is a scene at the end of the play that has stuck with me to this day. I end with this, as I think it says everything that needs to be said.

Emily, the main character has died. She asks to go back to earth for one last visit, and she chooses her 12^th birthday. She is warned by those who have gone before her that she shouldn’t do it, that it will be painful, but she insists. Here she expresses her frustration as she watches her mother busily making breakfast:

 “Oh, Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me…I can’t! I can’t go on! It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another! I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed! Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it—every, every minute?”

Pay attention. Really look at those you love. Fill your dash with as many moments as possible.

What does this picture look like to you? Perhaps a piece of melted shmutz on the ground? To me, it appears to be a lost musical note looking for its staff, its home. It seems to be in search of its family of eighth notes, quarter notes, and those syncopated dotted notes that always change things up a bit. That’s my                perception.

If I hadn’t been looking down, I would never have seen it. I was taking a much needed aerobic walk, with my music cranking through my ear buds. Walking at a good clip, I was huffing and puffing, punching my arms into the air to relieve stress and increase my heart rate, when I looked down and saw this ‘note.’ My walk came to a sudden four beat rest.

As I pondered my “Rorschach perception” of what most likely was once a healthy piece of gum, my itunes shuffled, and Carole King began singing, “So Far Away.” This immediately switched my attention from the note on the ground to the ones playing in my ears.

“So Far Away, doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore…”

Hearing this song immediately took me back to when I was 12 years old. I pictured my younger self, sitting in my pink room, on my pink shag carpet, missing my first love who had left for the summer. This song played over and over on my portable record player as I read his letters and inhaled the envelopes, which he had soaked in his cologne. I missed him terribly.

So many things become easier as we get older, but for many, change is not one of them. The reality is, life changes, whether we want it to or not. Our reality is how we perceive things, and that is within our control. How we see things will determine how we respond, which in turn determines our quality of life.

I recently saw a baby boy conked out in his mother’s arms, mouth open, with his head snuggly fitting in the crook of her neck. My memory of how that felt came flooding back, making me feel sad and wonderful at the same time. The sadness hit me first because soon, for the first time, both of my children will be living away from home. This will be an adjustment, but I have a choice to make it worse by dwelling on the loss of what was, or I can be grateful for that time, and feel proud that they are two independent, caring, loving, young adults making their way in the world.

Experiencing divorce is another kind of loss, which can ruin lives depending on how we handle the situation. Many choose to carry anger and bitterness indefinitely, and perceive the years they were married as a total waste. Why choose to look at it this way when it makes us feel worse?

As we get older, we start to see more illness and death. When our loved ones die, it is an incredible loss. I have lost three of my four grandparents whom I miss very much, but I am also so blessed to still have my Grandma Rose, who is going on 102 years of age. Though she looks amazing, and has fought the battle of aging brilliantly, it will one day win the war.

I recently went to have Friday night dinner with her, just the two of us. I looked around the dining room, and at first I saw nothing but gray hair, hearing aids, care givers, and walkers. I saw that the act of getting a fork to one’s mouth can be a workout. At first, I felt depressed and afraid. Then, remembering my Grandmother’s sage advice that attitude is everything, I chose instead to try and focus on how life, even at that age, can still have a sense of purpose if we choose to see it that way.

We have a choice. We can let good memories make us feel bad, and bad ones make us feel worse; or we can cherish the good from them all, and keep moving forward. How we see things is up to us. Is it a piece of shmutz, or is it a musical note? It is up to you.

The other day, my friend (let’s call her Sally), met a man (we’ll call him The Man), while she was having dinner with a girlfriend. The Man knew Sally’s girlfriend, so he stopped to say hello as he was leaving the restaurant. Evidently, the girlfriend didn’t get two words in as Sally and The Man had fun bantering back and forth; seemingly forgetting anyone else was there.

Sally told me she felt like a schoolgirl. She didn’t want him to leave. She felt an immediate attraction to him both physically and intellectually, and couldn’t stop thinking about him. There was one problem: She didn’t know what to do next, or whether to do anything at all. Would it be inappropriate to get his number? Would it be too forward to ask her friend to see if he was interested?

Where was the guide for off-line dating?!

40 million people in the U.S. have tried online dating* to find love. We have become more familiar, and I believe more comfortable, with the process of ‘courting’ online than with wooing someone organically without the aid of an electronic device. Online, you can “poke” or “flirt;” or if you’re more adventurous, actually e-mail someone. I think we’re losing an aptitude for relating with each other the old fashioned way—in person.

It has become too easy to hide behind the computer or smart phone when meeting potential partners. People feel very safe being the person behind the screen, and it’s easier to say things and be vulnerable when not looking someone in the eye. I fear that the more we communicate via all of our not-so-social media, the less comfortable we will be when interacting without a screen protector. This takes ‘using protection’ to a whole new level!

With all our technology today, not only are our muscles atrophying (our fingers do most of the walking), but also our social skills are stagnating… especially when it comes to expressing our emotions and desires. So many of us are very happy to let the keyboard do the talking.

A man recently asked my opinion regarding the length of time people should take to get to know one another online before meeting in person. It was his opinion that people rush to meet, and that it’s better to take more time emailing and talking before meeting. I say it doesn’t take long to know if you’re interested, and that there is a breaking point for waiting too long. If you do, the other person can feel a lack of interest or enthusiasm.

In the old days, before the Internet, people were either fixed up or met socializing, then went out on a date. It was that simple. They didn’t have an artificially intelligent machine with a direct line to a matchmaker in the sky that sent them thousands of photos of men and women whom they could peruse and pursue. They couldn’t push a button and send a pre-written note that showed they were interested. They couldn’t send an instantaneous message to flirt or titillate. They didn’t know ahead of time if the person liked to take walks on the beach, or go to the theatre; they didn’t know their salary range, or their idea of a perfect first date. People got to know each other by being with that person and talking to them. What a concept!

Today, however, we’re all busy and don’t have much of an opportunity to meet others. If you’re like many singles looking for a date from the icloud in the sky, use good sense, don’t hide behind the computer for too long, and go for it!

• Don’t be shy, contact someone if they interest you.

• Ask questions, and if you feel a comfort level, set a time to talk.

• Be yourself! If you feel safe, and feel a connection, meet somewhere in public when and where you feel comfortable.

However, if you’re like Sally, and you have the rare opportunity to meet someone in person that you’d like to go out with, consider the following:

• Find a way to let them know!
• Take the risk!
• What’s the worst that can happen?

As for Sally and The Man, I believe the plot is still unfolding. She does not yet know if he’s interested, but realizes if she doesn’t put herself out there, she’ll never find out. As I told Sally, my motto has always been, “It never hurts to ask!”

Any comments? 

*www.statisticbrain.com