©Nancy Lang&pliskindesigns.com

To be honest, I do.

When Katie Couric’s talk show began, I was curious to see if she would be able to fill the hole that Oprah left in the Universe of daytime television. While I’m not sure that the planets are totally aligning with her star at the helm, a recent episode gave me pause regarding the concept of: Forgiveness.

On this particular show, people discussed how they were able to forgive others for shooting them in the face, or killing their daughter; situations none of us should ever have to encounter. It made me feel a bit ridiculous for getting my panties in a bunch over things that are trivial at best by comparison. On that same note, (the unimaginable aside), I feel that many of us need to learn how to put our big girl/boy pants on and get over it! ‘It,’ meaning whatever ‘it’ is that has pissed us off.

It’s true what they say, that we can’t control what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond… and how we choose to respond affects us in many ways. According to Fred Luskin, PhD, co-founder and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, forgiveness can lower blood pressure, heart rate, and reduce levels of depression, anxiety and anger. He says there are really only two steps in the process: grieving and letting go. You let go of anger and hurt by being mindful and focusing on gratitude and kindness.

Easier said than done, right? Instead of focusing on what we’re grateful for and feeling compassion, it is so much easier (and sometimes fun!) to imagine those who have hurt or disappointed us being slapped around and then devoured by a Tyrannosaurus rex. Admit it, grudges can feel good!

But not for long. Perhaps, for a moment, we feel better after seeing our fantasy of revenge play out in our mind, but ultimately the only person we’re hurting is ourselves. Forgiving others is difficult, forgiving ourselves maybe even more so, but holding on to the hurt and anger is not going to change what has happened.

I have slapped myself around (yes literally) many times for decisions I’ve made; for the ones that have inflicted pain on others, and for putting my trust in the wrong people. I was taken advantage of by someone in a position of authority when I was too young to know better, and thought I did. I dated and was conned by a shrink who said I was his ‘shaina madle’ (beautiful girl) while he was shtupping his patient; and bamboozled by a guy who wrote me poetry exclaiming undying love while secretly seeing five other women.

Choosing the wrong people can hurt, choosing the wrong place at the wrong time, can be deadly. I was held at gunpoint in a car with my mother and two close family friends outside our home when my daughter was eighteen months old. Thankfully, we narrowly escaped to the credit of our heroic driver, but I was afraid to drive at night after hearing the gunmen had raped and killed a college student a week prior. Forgive them….how? Forgiveness is tough and can seem impossible when we see heinous acts like we did in Boston, Newtown, and Colorado. Robert Enright, PhD, says, “The decision to forgive touches you to your very core, to who you are as a human being…It involves your sense of self-esteem, your personal worth…”

Deciding to forgive is a choice. We can choose to feel angry, or we can choose to be happy. If a grudge keeps you at a safe distance from someone who repeatedly hurts you, then perhaps in that instance a bit of a grudge is a healthy decision.

Forgiving will not change what has happened, but it can change our future. Choosing to embrace forgiveness provides us with a sense of both freedom and control.

Choice is our privilege and our responsibility. Choice #1: grieve and let go, not allowing anger and hurt to keep you from living the life of your choosing. Choice #2: stay angry, bitter and fearful, ultimately remaining stagnant due to the suffocating weight of resentment.

Forgive me, but it seems there is only one choice.

©Michael Pliskin and Nancy Lang

To know what you prefer
instead of humbly saying Amen
to what he world tells you
you ought to prefer,
is to have kept your soul alive.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

I’d say, that Mr. Stevenson who lived back in the 1800s, was not only way ahead of his time, but way ahead of many people in more recent times. We have been told what and whom we ought to prefer for years. Not that long ago, black and white children couldn’t play in the same sandbox, swim in the same pool, sit together on a bus, or drink from the same water fountain. People of color didn’t have the same rights and freedoms as white people, and interracial marriage was not legal in the U.S. until the late 1960s.

 “When will we ever learn, when will we ever learn?” — Pete Seeger

And if it’s true that we learned everything we know in kindergarten, then why, pray tell, are we not treating everyone equally in the sandbox?? And do we really care if Suzy plays with Debbie instead of Johnny?

At our Passover Seder we were discussing the definition of freedom and what it means. We talked about how there are still many places where people are not free to live life the way they choose. How is it that, in most of the United States of America (the land of the free and the home of the brave), people are not allowed the freedom to love whom they choose to love, and be able to make that official?

“Is freedom anything else than the right to live as we wish? Nothing else.” — Epictetus

Many politicians believe that homosexual behavior is sinful. (I suppose the adultery well that they dip their stick in, is an acceptable form of sin?). If we are taught to love and accept each other, and even Jesus said we shouldn’t judge one another, then why and how, is it a problem for people of the same sex to marry, and to have the same benefits that a married man and a woman have?

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” –Paul the Apostle

If two people love each other, why should their gender make a difference? Times have changed since the Bible was written. In ancient Israel men were required to take a dead brother’s wife and make heirs with her. A master could buy women for his slaves to marry, and then keep them after letting the slaves go.

Yes, times have changed, and the church has changed its mind along with culture–for example issues regarding slavery, women being silent, and men’s hair length. So much of what was written then is no longer relevant, and is also left to much interpretation. For instance, God was evidently fine with polygamy, so couldn’t that be interpreted to mean that the union of man and woman is not the only marriage God will bless?

LIVE AND LET LIVE …who knew this was a Yiddish proverb?! It seems to me that if the origin of this quote comes from the roots of Judaism, then why do the very religious condemn people of the same sex for loving each other? If all of the very religious are living in the name of God, then why do they not let people love whomever they want to love without judgment?

We may not understand or agree with those who live a religious life where arranged marriages still happen and such rules as wearing wigs and head coverings are followed. And they may not understand why some secular people choose to live together before marriage. Neither way of life should be judged, especially by justifying it in the name of God.

We’ve come so far since the 1800s, and even since the 1960s. To be dictating whom we can love or marry seems to be a huge step backward. If some people believe that same sex marriage is wrong, they are entitled to their opinion but should not stand in judgment. I’m certainly no expert, but it seems to me that God would not want us doing things ‘in the name of God’ that hurts, kills or judges other people.

So, I ask, in the name of God, can we please follow the golden (biblical) rule, and just learn to live and let live?!

If you have any thoughts you’d like to share, please click on comments and submit!

Every two weeks I have my nails done. Yes, I confess, this is something I splurge on for myself as a way to feel a little more comfortable about showing my bare-naked fat hands in public. The idea is that hopefully people will notice the beautiful red shades of “I Am Not a Waitress” or “Affair in Trafalgar Square,” instead of my fingers that look like a cross between giant sized Tootsie Rolls and stuffed sausage casings.

I digress.

At my last nail appointment, my manicurist friend and I were talking about a musical I saw called Having it All* where the audience observes five women, each longing for what they feel is missing in their lives. This inspired a conversation that lasted longer than it took my nails to dry so I continued it later that night with family. Both discussions raised the question: What does ‘having it all’ mean?…and is it possible to have…it all?

‘Having it all’ tends to imply that you have a successful career, kids, nice car, and home. You may also have as many material pleasures and frequent sexual pleasures as you wish… after you bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan…unless you keep kosher. Ah, so case in point…having it all means different things to different people.

What does ‘having it all’ mean for you? Is it vastly different for men and women?

This brings up an interesting issue as it relates to relationships…from the casually dating, to the more serious. In my experience, there are men for whom having it all means that they see you at least three scheduled times a week (including every Saturday for sure), talk every night on the phone for at least an hour, text regularly with enough kissy face emoji’s to satisfy an insatiable need for virtual love, and plenty of ‘likes’ on their Facebook posts. (To prevent them from regressing further into the seventh grade.).

For some men it merely means making a comfortable living, holding the hand of the woman they love, talking about each other’s day and cuddling. For others it means having various casual relationships with the ability to call your booty whenever they feel like it, and then return to their bat cave until they feel like picking up the bat phone for an emergency ‘pow’ ‘boff’ or slam bam thank you ma’am. From the needy to the greedy, ‘having it all’ looks very different.

For women, it can get complicated. Some are career driven and have no interest in having children. Others just want be at home with their kids, and some want all of the above, and more. I think many women feel they have to do it all in order to have it all, and be sexy mamas in scanty ‘jammas! The roles of men and women have changed so much over the years it has become difficult for both to navigate.

These days we not only have a surplus of fruit infused vodkas, but media infused minds. We’re all deluged with images on TV and in magazines as to what our lives should look like. With a smile you leave your storybook home and get in your imported car, sporting your designer suit, purse and shoes, wearing your age defying lotions on your way to get botoxed, waxed and airbrushed to meet your six-pack guy or fake boobed gal to eat a five star dinner which you will work off for two hours in the gym the next day wearing the latest in Lululemon workout clothes.

Are we supposed to want all this so we feel that we’re having it all? In talking with my manicurist friend (personally I think nails and therapy for the price of one is having it all), we discussed all of the things it would be nice to have and do. Then she asked me, “Do you think having it all, is everything?”

I didn’t have to think about my answer for too long. Would it be nice to have and do more? Absolutely, and I have goals and dreams to which I aspire. But most importantly, when I have the all too infrequent chance to be with both of my grown children just sitting together talking and laughing, I am having it all. And yes, in that moment, it is everything.

*Having it All–Conceived by Wendy Perelman
Directed by Richard Israel
Music by John Kavanaugh
Lyrics by David Goldsmith
Book by David Goldsmith & Wendy Perelman

To all of my blog readers:

This week I am most excited to post an article I wrote that was published by The Huffington Post! This has been one of my goals, and I am thrilled to say that it is now a reality!

Thank you to everyone who has already gone to the Huffington Post to read my article, ‘Like’ it and ‘Share’ it. Your support means more than you know!

I am putting the link to the article below for those who have not yet had a chance to read it. If you have, I ask that you forward this to your friends and family so they can read, like and share it. I want to reach as many people as I can with humor and empowering messages!

Thank you so much again for your support!!

With much appreciation,

Nancy

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nancy-lang-/crossing-over-to-the_b_2967244.html

In high school I was in a play called Curious Savage, which explored the challenges faced by a group of people living in a sanatorium. One of the female characters is not adept at expressing herself, but manages to show that she cares about her friend by telling her, as she’s about to leave: “Take an umbrella, it’s raining.” On the surface, she was merely reminding her friend to bring an umbrella, but in her own way she was saying, “I love you.”

When we’re young boys and girls we enjoy teasing to show we like each other. In my case, my first boyfriend in Junior High liked to chase me around the playground and upon capture, pull my long red hair. (I must give him a ‘shout out’ and say we’ve remained good friends to this day!) This type of formative flirty frolic is a precursor to prepare us for our more ‘mature’ mating rituals as adults.

Figuring out these rituals post-divorce has been a most interesting journey for me—hence the birth of my book! While there has still been some chasing and hair pulling (ya gotta read the book!), I’ve discovered that learning how we show that we care and how we need to feel cared for is a necessity.

The end of my marriage was the beginning of my self-awakening. Sometimes we don’t know what is most important to us until we are living without it, until we feel 
that void. Even though I had dated quite a bit before I got married, in retrospect, I wasn’t aware of how I needed to feel loved…until I realized that my ‘feeing loved’ tank was constantly running on empty.

Feeling love for ourselves, knowing our value and our self- worth is first and foremost.  Having the tools to be able to put ourselves first, feel happy, content, and self-fulfilled before even looking for a partner is a must. But we also want to love and to be loved by another.

Do you know what makes you feel loved? Is it by hearing the words, or receiving gifts? By having quality time with that special person, or by what your partner will do for you? If your partner tells you to drive safely because the streets are a little slippery, would you take offence assuming they don’t think you drive safely, or realize perhaps it’s their way of showing they care? I read the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, which helps the reader think about how they need to receive love, and how they tend to show it. I so wish I had this awareness before I got married because once one has it, it can then be communicated early on. If your partner is unable or unwilling to demonstrate love in the way you need, it is better to find out before making a life-long commitment!

We all know how complicated relationships can be. I think we tend to muck (keeping it PG) them up unnecessarily with our fears, laziness, or inability to make the effort required. I’ve come up with 5 steps that I believe will increase the chances of bringing to us the type of people we need in our lives:

1- Self Awareness: Know how you need to feel loved and how you want your life to look.

2- Communicate & Listen: Convey this information and listen to the response, it will be telling. Then do the same for your partner.

3- Provide it!: Do what your partner or friend needs if you want to maintain the relationship!

4- Be compassionate and understanding: Realize everyone receives and perceives differently.

5- Don’t rationalize: If people can’t or won’t provide what you need, move on!

Five very simple, but not always easy steps to follow. However, if you want to experience mutually fulfilling relationships give it a try!

And… don’t forget your umbrella if it’s raining.

Dictionary.com says: Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good. A line from a song in the musical Wicked says: “Because happy is what happens, when all your dreams come true!”

While I value the accessibility of dictionary.com and I adore Wicked, I don’t think these are the most accurate, or empowering definitions of happiness. I believe these enable the common thought process of I’ll be happy when….

“Obtaining happiness, like balance, seems to be a universally never-ending process. We’ll be happy when: we have the better husband, wife, car, job, clothing, house, lose ten pounds, or get that part in a TV show. Our eye is only focused on the prize, not usually on the adventure getting to the prize. Ironically, once we get whatever or wherever we want, there is always something else, something more. The trick is to be able to find happiness the way things are, even if circumstances aren’t exactly how we envisioned.”(Excerpt from You Want Me to What?!—The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

Is it possible to be happy when circumstances in our life are not how we want them to be? Can we still be happy when we’re unemployed, sick, or in the process of a divorce? The answer is… yes! For most of us however, positivity is the underdog when put in the ring with heavy hitters like worry, resentment and anger. We don’t have to choose to let negativity tap us out  (MMA term for when your opponent has you in a chokehold about to make you lose consciousness) and be victorious. We have a choice. We may not always be able to control what happens to us, but we are able to choose how we think and how we react.

Just last week Valerie Harper announced that she has 3 months to live. Her attitude is unbelievably inspiring:

“I’m alive. I’m feeling good. I’m trying to live every moment as much as I can.” I can’t say it’s terminal. I’m saying it’s incurable so far, but we’re all terminal. No one is getting out of this alive,” she says. “The key is, don’t go to the funeral until the day of the funeral.”

Living each day as if it could be our last may just help  in getting us to happy; and truly, all any of us has is right now. Perhaps if we did act as though it could be our last day, we would feel more grateful. (Studies of gratitude show that by remembering what we are grateful for helps immensely with depression.) Perhaps we would also appreciate the ‘ordinary’ things in life  more like a nice breeze, soft sheets, or the smell in the air after it rains. We don’t need to search for happiness. Just like in The Wizard of Oz, the courage, the heart and intelligence the characters were searching for were inside each of them the whole time.

“Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude.” – Dale Carnegie

By understanding and accepting that happiness is already inside us, experiencing it externally can occur more often. It is more work to resist the pull of negativity and make the effort to find the silver lining in your playbook of life. Are you willing to do this? Feelings of gratitude, forgiveness, appreciation, kindness toward ourselves, spending time with special people; these are all pathways to access our internal happiness button. So, what are you waiting for? Are you going to find your way there and push it?

©2012 Michael Pliskin / pliskindesigns.com

“Wouldn’t it be nice?! Why can’t life be filled with laughter, friends, and witty conversation all the time? When I feel frustrated with life, I want to be able to call my best girlfriends and go out for a drink whenever I need, whenever I feel like it. I want to go drink that drink, have a few laughs, feel better, and have all my problems solved in thirty minutes; well actually twenty because there are no commercials in real life. In addition, like the people on TV, I want to always have nice clothes to wear, hair and makeup done to perfection, eat out all the time but still be a perfect size, ‘I can wear anything and look good.’

“It makes me sad that in real life no one has time anymore. No time to get together for breakfast, lunch, drinks or whatever. Quick texts or e-mails have replaced actual human contact. These are the microwaves of conventional communication. Quick, easy and in less than five minutes, or less than 140 characters, you too can exchange a heartfelt sentiment, make a dinner date, or console a friend. Unfortunately, it just isn’t the same as a slow cooked conversation.”  (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?!–The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

In all the magazines there are articles about relationships with headlines like, 5 tips to having great _____, 7  ways to avoid ______, top 10 secrets to give the best _____! All of these gripping headlines are devoted to how to select, seduce, satisfy and secure a partner. One partnership that is often ignored in publications is that of friendship.

Friendships. Are friendships as we once knew them going out of style like letter writing, and home-cooked meals (that aren’t catered by Costco or Trader Joes!)? I know that in my own life, finding the time to get together, let alone talk with a good friend, is way more difficult than it should be.

Part of my recent sojourn up to the Bay Area included visiting a few old friends whom I haven’t seen in a couple of years. These friends have been with me through thick and thin, fat and thin …(well, that’s another blog!).  These friends have been in my life for almost half of my life. These friends are the ones who no matter how much time goes by, when I see them, it’s like we picked up right where we left off. While I was in town, they took time out of their hectic schedules to pick me up, shlep me around, take me for drinks and dinner, and most importantly share their time with me to catch up on our respective lives. Priceless.

It makes me reflect on my ‘Once upon a time’ friends… especially those I once considered best friends, the ones who I thought would be a part of my life forever. Instead they’re now apart from my life. It’s funny how a mere space between words and a different preposition changes the meaning so crucially. These are separations and divorces of a different kind, but the reasons for demise not so dissimilar: misunderstandings, lack of communication, betrayal, or just growing apart. I wonder how many best friends have gone to see a therapist or a relationship coach, such as myself, to work on a friendship? The bond of a best friend is rare and should be given the attention and maintenance this sacred relationship deserves.

How do we know who will be in our life for the long haul? My 101 year-old Grandma uses the analogy of a train ride. She says that on our train ride of life there are people who get on for just a while, then get off. Some stay for a bit longer but eventually exit as well. And some, stay with you to the end of the line.

Planes, trains and automobiles receive maintenance on a regular basis, or they could crash and burn. Why should we expect our relationships to keep on truckin’ without an extended service plan? Our valued friendships need to be nurtured so that we can continue to ride together on the track of life until the last station. Yes?

ron@compugds.com

“After my divorce I was living in the town of limbo, which was located in the land of uncertainty. I wanted a map to tell me how to get to a destination unknown, but one where there was good health, unconditional love, and financial security. Too much to ask?” (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?! –-The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

When I was young and frustrated with life, I’d close the door to my room and sing with Barbra Streisand; no actually I’d belt out her songs in full chest voice at the top of my lungs. The soundtrack to Yentl was a particular favorite; I suppose because the passion of a woman unfulfilled somehow soothed whatever angst aggravated my soul at the time. One song in particular that proved to be very therapeutic was “Where is it Written:”

“… Why have the wings unless you’re meant to fly? And tell me please, why have a mind, if not to question why? And tell me  where, where is it written what it is I’m meant to be…”

The frustration of not knowing my life’s direction was constant. Some of us know our purpose in life when we are young. Some take longer to figure it out, and for many, our purpose is ever changing.

Last weekend on a trip visiting family and old friends, (thank goodness for Bar/Bat Mitzvahs that keep us reuniting!) this subject came up quite a bit. I must admit it was comforting to know that there are many others who are contemplators of purpose or wondering, what is next?

It was obvious that this question had no age barrier, and making a transition in life at any age or stage is not easy. Pre-college kids were confused about their major and what they wanted to do with their lives; empty nesters were deciding whether or not to relocate, and how to reinvent themselves. Those mid-career were feeling stuck, unmotivated or scared, and seniors were figuring out how to move on after illness and death. The chatter of shifting lives and re-inventing oneself rang through the air as loudly as the party music.

While I often like to see what the ‘experts’ say, I think hearing opinions and insights from wise youngsters to seasoned seniors can be very beneficial:

• “You choose a path. Sometimes your path takes an unexpected turn. Sometimes you stay put for a while and then you go down another path. Just keep your eyes open for all opportunities.”

• “Follow your passion. There is work to be found in the area that you are passionate about. You may have to start at the bottom and work hard, but if it’s an area you love, you won’t mind as much.”

• “Don’t let fear, or fear of change keep you from pursuing what you want to do. It’s easy to rationalize and procrastinate. Don’t! Go for it! You’ll only fail if you don’t try!”

• “Do what makes your eyes light up and be willing to do the work and make some sacrifices. Do what brings you joy, not what you think you should be doing or what other people think you should be doing.”

• “I read that following your passion will lead you to your purpose. I think that’s true, even if it’s not what you do for work, have it in your life in some way. If your soul is fulfilled even by a hobby, you can withstand any job.”

• And a classic with a twist: Life is what happens when you’re not making plans!

The night I received my engagement ring many years ago, a waiter came to our table and said, “Bon courage swive la piste,” which means, with courage follow the signs. He told us we might get lost from time to time, but the sign- posts will be there. Okay, so it didn’t work for my marriage, but I do believe if we keep our eyes open we will see the signs that point where we’re supposed to go.

ron@compugds.com

“What is our purpose in life? How do we figure it out? How do we get on the right path? What if we don’t succeed? What if we fail? Too many questions of ‘how’ and ‘what if’ waste time and immobilizes us, clouding our vision and our ability to see where we need to be. Instead, be present in each moment in order to keep moving forward one step at a time. If we pay attention to where we are, we will be aware enough to see the signs and ultimately end up where we need to be.” (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?! –The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy, age 6 *

Growing up I had a poster of a much loved teddy bear who had a torn arm, a hole in its neck, and a transparent layer of material that had once been fur. The caption read, “Love Lasts.”  I kept that poster with me into adulthood, perhaps because I wanted to believe that through it all– although we go through rough times and our outer appearance may wear down– love can last. My teddy bear poster hung around long enough to see that my marriage was not destined to last forever. My hopes, however, of being unconditionally loved until, and long after I need new parts, still linger.

Finding ‘The One’ is over a billion-dollar industry. I guess that makes the answer to the question, “What is the secret to long-lasting love?” a billion-dollar answer! I’ve done much research on this subject by trial and error (lots of errors!), surveying people married for over forty years, and reading what old and young alike have to say.

Billy, age 4: “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” *

Harville Hendrix Ph.D., and author of relationship self-help books, mentions three things that help define a healthy relationship:

1)   “The primary hallmark of a healthy relationship is having the experience of emotional and physical safety with our partner. They are reliable and predictable and we don’t feel any fear or anxiety around them.”

2)   “We have an experience of a deep connection.”

3)   “When you are with your partner, you feel joyfully alive or relaxed into joyfullness.”

Karen, age 7: “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” *

Chemistry in a relationship is also important, as well as knowing the qualities we desire in a partner. However that feeling of safety and connection must be present to have healthy lasting love. To maintain it requires a lot, including expressing how you feel.

Jessica, age 8: “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” *

Every day I am able to meet all kinds of interesting people at work, so I decided to play ‘Woman on the Street’ and ask couples who have been married a long time, “What is the secret?” Here is a sampling of their answers:

“Be committed to making it work, no matter what.”

“Laugh a lot, don’t take anyone or anything too seriously.”

“Stick together in hard times.”

“Like each other.”

“Choose someone who is a good person.”

“Take getaways together.”

“Marry your best friend. Someone you’d be happy just sittin’ in the mud with. Everything else will eventually become less important.”

“Do as she asks. She’s never asked for anything unreasonable, and she’s always right. Just do as she asks.”

“When we got married, we both agreed that I would make all the major decisions and she would make all the minor decisions. Since we’ve been married, there have been no major decisions!”

Whether it’s out of the mouth’s of babes or the aged, it seems to be unanimous that lasting love is precious. Harville Hendrix puts it beautifully:

“When you read, ‘Here’s what to do to get your man to stay’ or to love you, there’s an outcome you want. In real love, you’re already in the outcome.”

Do you have any secrets to long lasting relationships you’d like to share? Please comment, and please forward this blog to anyone you think will enjoy!!

*Kids quotes source: www.redsoft.com

“When you’re a single woman in her forties or older, the odds go down for many things. Going down is a good thing in back seats, bedrooms, and elevators. It is not such a good thing when odds go down for things like finding a bathing suit that you can wear in public, keeping your neck from looking like sagging scrotum, and finding genuine love, to name a few. But here I was, twenty years after being in the dating scene flying in at 1.21 gigawatts, coming back to the future where Mars and Venus had merged in ways I had yet to discover. The landscapes may have changed, but at the core, I was confident these planets were fundamentally the same.” (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?! –The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

While unbelievable dating stories is one aspect of my book, it also celebrates relationships. There are many best sellers that focus on the differences between the sexes, which are humorously evident in my stories as well, but men and women actually share a lot of the same mishegas! (Yiddish for craziness)

I believe that much of the conflict in relationships is fear based. Fear is the four-letter ‘F’-word that should be washed out of our lives with soap! Sometimes fear can be a good thing, and if we’re smart, it can be our ally. Usually, however, it’s a big fat serving of sabotage on our plate of life.

Fear keeps so many of us from living the life we wish for and deserve, and it keeps us from having the relationship we wish for and deserve.

How many of us are afraid to tell our partner what we need or want?!  And why? Because we’re afraid that if we do, they’ll either reject us or leave us. So I ask: if they are not able or willing to provide what you need, don’t you want them to go away?! There is somebody out there who will be willing and able to oblige. Whether it’s showing you love the way you need, not forgetting important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, or a doctor appointment to determine if you have cancer, (yes, that happened); whatever it is for you, don’t settle. Ask for what’s important to you!

Deal Breaker: any issue or factor that is significant enough to terminate a negotiation.

Know your Deal Breakers!

I can’t be with a smoker or someone who’s uncompassionate, negative, needy, controlling, or without a sense of humor. I cannot sleep with cats in the bed, or loud snoring. How’s that for a start? We all must know our deal breakers, and then, know which ones are negotiable and which are not. What are yours? Make a list!

Deal Making: Take the negotiable deal breakers and play let’s make a deal!

For those items that are under your negotiable list, start making deals. Share your ideal scenario with your partner and go from there. Perhaps you can each bend a little so that you both feel as if you are getting what you want. This is a win-win!

Don’t be afraid to say what you want and what you need! Having thoughts like you’re getting too old, the good ones are taken, you’ll be alone forever, keeps you thinking in scarcity gear and will not get you to your ultimate relationship destination! There are roughly 38 million people in California alone. There is an abundance of potential mates.

Thinking in abundance is key. If you settle and stay with someone for the wrong reasons, it’s not fair to anyone. Don’t force the wrong key into your heart if it doesn’t fit; for it will not open your heart to let love fall in. Perhaps this is the key to falling in love?!

Your thoughts?…